miles to go before i sleep (thoughts as they come out of my head)

(thoughts)

i dont know how other people feel they relate to people but i feel i only relate to parts of everyone. it makes sense since we all share so much in common but i mean the weired fucked up parts of people are relatable.

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im so stuck on events and people in my life i dont know what to do, once you let go of one structure of life you create another and its just one big fucking mess until your dead. it will be clear though one day i know it because life was very clear once before. like maybe around 6 or 7 i remember turning 8 and 9 pissed me off, so it wasnt as clear then. i hid under my desk and gave my toys away to lizzie and that is what im doing all over again. its like suicide without the suicide.

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i can be whoever i want to be from day to day and i do that a lot. and i dont just change from group to group. i wont say everything i want to say because once i give it all up i have nothing left.

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just stop it or say it

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JUST STOP

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bipolar starts here->

ok its all ok yeah im going to do that or maybe this

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Mania

ok im great its fine i found gum i can chew for 8 hours at work or i can just go back here and wash dishes so i dont have to talk to people or interact

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OK I CAN WATCH THIS AND THAT WILL DISTRACT ME, ill make tea! and then ill do that maybe this

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haha inst the sun amazing its a wonder that im alive and that we are all here i mean i could be dead, im so lucky! im going to go walk around

3 hours later

i need a light box

you will you will you will you will

i dont know why old school bright eyes songs remind me of my childhood. i never listened to those songs then. i like how he desrcibes things though maybe he describes more of the transition stages than childhood i dont he does both,whatever.

i listened to 90s depressing songs when i was a kid in my bath tub with crayons that could work with water. i didnt like getting out until it became freezing cold. i had weired things and objects that i put around my house and noone would move it.

its really strange im not really depressed, im busy,i feel like telling stories or making myself a myth or something. what do you call that?

i made a mistake

what if you eat shit and dont die.

i like the settings that come with every season.

i could live in all four seasons if they would just rotate every three weeks.

sunlight really plays an effect on all of them.

winter.

you see circle of a sun with a giant white blanket over it. you can acutally stare at it for a bit.even though thats a bad idea. dead trees, dead feelings, but peaceful.i like the layers of clothes, i can enjoy it for the first half. the smell is clear, cold, fresh how spring should be.

spring.

the most disgusting part of the year. its smells are the big turn off for me i dont remember a spring smell i have liked. its my birthday, i can wear jackets, i see some green. i dont feel new i feel worn out, rebirth comes with summer and fall. the sun still has some kind of mist around it, sometimes it very bright, but still not quite strong.

summer.

new feeling, alive for the most part. lazy, water, nakedness. its probably my favorite. i like the mornings and the nights. the afternoons are nice if you are with friends or people. chalk, windows, roofs, grass, trees. being outside all of the time. the beach, smoking, adventures, boredom, good alone time, beams of light coming into windows.

fall.

the lovely time of year. if it were a person the most sexy time. it appeals to all of the senses. unlike spring it does not feel damp, not extremely cold, and not the kind of bright summer is. it has a nice kind of lighting though, especially through leaves in trees, and some windows. its good timing.

well thats my analysis of the seasons, im going to make more of these for other things but they will be better.

cabin fever

starting to feel like the shining

1.

stephanie j. used to put these on her myspace and for some reason i came across this site today.

i shouldn't piece things together so much.

the weried thing about happy is that it can come in different shittier forms. 

maybe im just always hoping for my past to come back to me. but why would i want a repeat of anything.

i just want a repeat of the beach, the beach at night, windows with a nice stream of sun light coming though, blue, skies, water, summer, grass, dirt. 

even though ive had them all before they all look different, i wish i could explain its like i have new eyes, but grayer eyes. i dont know if this happens but it really shouldnt i dont know if this is depression, aging, or sitting in your house for too long.

it makes me want to kill myself but hold on to my life really tight at the same time. i dont want to see any of it go because its all ive known all of my life, but it makes me want to see what else is out there. 

i want every beauitful moment captured every setting i thought was pretty, everyday ive shared with my friends and family. how they used to look and how they look now. how i used to look and how i look now. i hate seeing how much that changed but its progression. i dont mean in the the physical sense people carry around different moods and lights within themselves at least to me.

what ive been doing lately is probably called dissociating. but not like i dont remember what things are, well then again i pretend to not remember what things are so i can feel new or something because im a whiny fuck.  i look at my parents  or i just look at something and everything feels far away like its not mine it never was and it never will be and i start floating it almost feels physical, but its mental and then nothing is real and everything gets really confusing.

this is not a mental problem they do not exist at least not to me but its something everyone gets probably im just not explaining it right. i dont care im not sad im not happy, im not real. it works for now. i dont need any of it none of it affects me i could do anything and not care about what people think. 

"if winter ends"

thought: i was suppose to be apart of another time period future or past.

thought #2 i cant do these stupid journals you ask me to do teacher because everything you say is not focused even when you tell us to just pick one thing

thought#3: this song is really nice now

"give my self three days to feel better or i swear ill drive it off a fucking cliff because if i cant make myself feel better how can i expect anyone else to give a shit and i......

i scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere"

ITS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT hopefully.