the weried thing about happy is that it can come in different shittier forms. 

maybe im just always hoping for my past to come back to me. but why would i want a repeat of anything.

i just want a repeat of the beach, the beach at night, windows with a nice stream of sun light coming though, blue, skies, water, summer, grass, dirt. 

even though ive had them all before they all look different, i wish i could explain its like i have new eyes, but grayer eyes. i dont know if this happens but it really shouldnt i dont know if this is depression, aging, or sitting in your house for too long.

it makes me want to kill myself but hold on to my life really tight at the same time. i dont want to see any of it go because its all ive known all of my life, but it makes me want to see what else is out there. 

i want every beauitful moment captured every setting i thought was pretty, everyday ive shared with my friends and family. how they used to look and how they look now. how i used to look and how i look now. i hate seeing how much that changed but its progression. i dont mean in the the physical sense people carry around different moods and lights within themselves at least to me.

what ive been doing lately is probably called dissociating. but not like i dont remember what things are, well then again i pretend to not remember what things are so i can feel new or something because im a whiny fuck.  i look at my parents  or i just look at something and everything feels far away like its not mine it never was and it never will be and i start floating it almost feels physical, but its mental and then nothing is real and everything gets really confusing.

this is not a mental problem they do not exist at least not to me but its something everyone gets probably im just not explaining it right. i dont care im not sad im not happy, im not real. it works for now. i dont need any of it none of it affects me i could do anything and not care about what people think.