this is what i love about psychology

"No man and no destiny can be compared to any other man or any other destiny. no situation repeats itself, each situation called for a different response. Sometimes man may be required simply to accept fate, to bear his cross. Every situation is distinguished by its uniqueness, and there is always one right answer to the problem posed by the situation at hand."- Viktor Frankl

when ever guest speakers would come to school i would listen to them and forget them right away. i never felt i could relate to them. they were wiser and stronger than me, thats kind of how i feel i will always feel. he inst a guest speaker but something we are reading in class but he also talked about what i just talked about except with movies.

just in case anyone ever wondered here is what i look like on the street.

not really but i found these earrings my old neighbor nancy gave me, i guess she thought i was going to turn out different

how i put everything off until the last minute and how i get away with doing nothing i beyond me.

trying to read a how section of readings the night before i have to turn a paper in is ridicilous. but thats beside the point. the weeks coming up are very important for me, i am getting very nervous and almost dont know what to do.

but i know how to control my thoughts in a way now, atleast i think i do, its like ive been given antidepressants but they are definity natural. however im still not in that "happy" state. i talked to my friend about this, i told him how hard it is, i know we are all fighting for it. its the number one goal to achieve.

there are so many ways i could take my life though. i could just throw school all away and try to live in the forest.

i could finish school and go to grad school and be a psychologist

i could be an artist

i could get a sex change

i could move to austraila

i could move to any place thats warm or awesome

i could stay here

i could become a buddist

i could get knocked up

i could write

anything really.

who knows. all i can do is be here today and stop wishing that things could have been different

omg whoever wrote this you have no idea how good this made me feel.
connections are a big deal for me and this made me really excited. i gasped and i never do that
i wrote one for sam's grad project too i really like her idea.


















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but i'll update some of my life
right now im playing the waiting game with Temple, 4 more weeks and ill know!
unless they are really slow.
i think im going to get my nose pierced again, and my ears are at a 12 but i want them much bigger.
the deli is cool i like the people i work with they are really nice and helpful. the stories they tell me are going to stay with me forever they are that interesting. however foodland is really tight knit so its alittle awkward.
i got my permit renewed, this time no fucking around. i need it if im moving.
i totally fucked up my spanish 2 midterm because im an ass and wait until the last minute to do anything.
well its not the most descriptive or deep post but those are sure to come.

the most lovely story told by a bakery worker

he told me that he used to jump off of walmart roofs and got his first tatto in a basement.he lived in somerset county and would sit at road side restaurants and buy coffee and smoke cigarettes and talk to truckers for days on end. there is nothing to do there until you get a car, and then you make your own fun. he showed me a very uneven skull with a hat on it on his arm. because it was hard core.
but then when he turned 18 he met an exchange student who transfered in his senior year in highschool. She was from berlin, germany and was going back. so he bought a ticket and a passport. his parents wanted him to go to school but he said this was more important. he chased her around europe for three years, until she realized what she was doing also. they moved back to pittsburgh got married, and now she has her green card and goes to school here. the was 7 years ago he said.
well are you and your wife going to be crazy again after she done with school?
i dont know if we will anymore, i think i need to go to school also.
but maybe we will move to the country, because all these fuckers shoplift here.
i bought a shot gun for my house.

im not going to lie even though i really would like to die all of the time, i wont and im not really sure why. i feel like i might never get anywhere or achieve anything or show people love or get love back. i can always feel meaningless or meaningful depending on my mood. i have too much time alone. im completely depressed and completely manic at the same time.

ive been in my room for the whole day its like im afraid to talk to anyone or go anywhere, its fucking ridicilous. i slept though periods of the day and woke up angry flopping around on my bed throwing my pillows and sheets trying to rip them for a few minutes then staring at the ceiling for another few minutes. i get like this, like im trapped when im really not, spinning shit around. letting go of memories and people and then eventually places.

look i just want help or answers here,fuck i already degrade myself so much on here.

i know noone knows but it seems noone is freaking out as bad, or they know what to do, so what do you do?

im not sure what the lessons of my life are, and that might be why i feel so meaningless.

im trying to find meaning a goal, but i just find that my interests are confusing.

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Albert Camus believed that all of us ware like Sisyphus. We fill each day with meaningless tasks, only to repeat them the next day – so on and so on, day after day, month after month, year after year. Are we any different from Sisyphus and his boulder? How can this sort of absurd existenc have meaning?

If this is all there is to life, why don't we just kill ourselves? Camus summed up the problem concisely: "There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide."

the only thing that kills me is if everyone is right about me.

and that ive never had all the things i think i have, and if its way different than i thought.