BEST DREAM EVER

i think it was the full moon last night but i had a dream about leaving college.

i woke up my friend who looked like a bunch of people i knew all rolled up into one person, he started typing nonsense to people on my screen name and they believed it was me and he made actual dilemmas in their lives. then we promised to be homeless, and i draped a giant orange blanket around my head and started shouting words at this girl who i always see in class.

then i walked downtown.

and went into duquense.then we had a slinky and i threw it and he got caught in it and started dancing then threw up everywhere and everyone became panicked and started running around asking WHO THE FUCK IS THAT? and the crowd got bigger and there was more throw up and then everything become technicolor and i ran into the bathroom where everyone was naked but in a plastic way. they gave me a letter to get out, but I wouldnt leave so they all got really freaked out and i could see their words in second grade cursive over their heads.

I eventually left with one leg, and had to drive back to my house but couldnt brake because I lost my leg. I cant remember the rest but I feel the moon did this.

weired experiences of death, and dissecting life

i kind of want to dissect things. its kind of been this fucked up hobby in the back of my head since i was a kid.

when i was about 7 or 8 my friend came over for my birthday party and she asked me where my bird went and i said it died. she then said the magic words "lets dig it up and see what it looks like".

i guess it is kind of weired to think about now, but it was interesting. then we started getting really into ghosts and the dead and tried to have a senance in my backyard behind one of my huge trees. we lit a candle and sat on these rocks. i guess that is kind of where i started to like the idea of death, and ghosts or whatever.

i also killed my goldfish when i was two because of my neighbors curiousity of what would happen if you put it in the sun. so thats what happened to my pets, and how easily im influnenced lol.

I feel like i have had the same general personaility since forever, I do not know if other people feel that they too have almost been the same person their entire lives but it is kind of strange. I guess I am not looking at my self in those time periods but imagining myself now in those times. but I feel i never really acted how other people acted, people seemed to be busy always to me, not in the sense of never having time but busy like they never had really long time periods by themselves, like they have always had friends. busy doing nothing, i do not have comfort in that in anymore. I know I have changed as a person because of time and experiences but I feel everyone has a consistent essense about them that stays with them their entire lives that never goes away.

i can pick people out just by their writing, walking, anything because people are really individual in that way but also the same.

...............yeah

independancy

what i have liked and hated about my self is my sense of being dependent and independent.

i have weired relationships that are kind of both. I depend on people maybe just to fill something, but i feel detached in the kind of way I dont want to talk about. I feel everyone is also detached from me in the kind of way I dont want to talk about.

I wish I could describe it but it sounds inhuman and kind of not really talked about. haha but ive have gotten over most things except for this, this wall maybe it is there forever where you can just know someone and they wont care about anything, or when your not just mature happy but just happy. independently happy. going from town to town happy. or dependently happy.

ok im not independent in the full sense and I do not like that I might not be because of loans and school and that pisses me off. Im mad that I got sucked into this I really should have taken a year off.ok. im going to say it school was not for me, not at this time. maybe not ever.

sex is not for me. not this time. maybe not ever. the life i created for my self so far is not for me. not ever.

i did kind of a shitty job at realizing i make all of this up. that im a real person, and that things are not just floating around they are kind of real. and maybe i still do not believe that they are real and i do not think i will be convinced fully.

i think i have been convinced that it is worth sticking around for even if i just constantly float though life and never find anything. if i feel depressed and if i feel happy its all momentarily and it goes away. i do not understand how people get angry or even can do emotions any more once you figure out that secret. yeah i figure out secrets sometimes about life. i think that is what im mostly feeling like a weired kind of busy, happy, blah, i dontwanttofeelanything kind of feeling.

and connections only make sense when the person is there. and i dont know if ill ever have that again. with the way i have changed and the way i am with people and just the way things are in general i just do not know. it really has to be the right place and the right time, or ill never get into it im not even in reality so it is going to take a lot and no effort will come from me. it does not fit my path i feel any ways since i want to just up and leave any place i go soon.

yeah i think it scares a lot of people when they feel they will not find that connection ever again well why would you just leave it because it makes sense doesnt it? because your both different people.

im just going to be water in this life because everything else is impossible.

i almost did not understand anything for a while today. but liz kind of explained it, there is a domino effect so maybe everything is real and everything we do affects the next thing that comes our way. or are things meant to happen no matter what? no control but surprised at least. i want to explain this in the way i feel it. this is your book or movie or whatever, you come here your set in the place your suppose to be you try to choose what you want but whatever is picked is picked and you are made to in a way. this is restlessness, the part where you feel helpless because you want a different thing but your not allowed, or it could be the other way your not on the right way for you not that your meant to do it or anything it just doesnt feel right.

yeah. no. yeah. i dont know. things in my life feel to concidental to not be picked beforehand by myself? is that right, yeah other people get it too. but right now it feels up in the air like i stopped picking at this point and its not written out. yeah that is exacctly how i feel, im so glad i could get that written out. now im just picking whatever in this real reality and not in the spiritual reality where i picked the other stuff. this probably sounds really stupid but if it makes sense then it obviously happened to you too. if it hasnt then do this. review your life in a really strange way, like your 20 year old self meeting your 10 year old counterpart, or your friends a few years ago. or look at good years and bad years and how they counteracted, how you acted, your idenity how you dressed and felt. it makes sense right well maybe this is my weired metaphor of maturing. but i dont know if i want it, theres no magic or im not creating it anymore. like i dont know how to warp these times, or what to be obsessed with hahaha.

ill figure it out though because i finally said what i wanted to. its strange that simple paragraph was hard to put in words. i

loss of interest in everything.
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ahahahaahahahahahaahah screammmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate when i notice im wearing my "adult suit" or whatever i swear to god it just pops up out of nowhere one day when your like 18 and you just ignore it and then it just comes back every once in a while. its going to become full on one day and that is the day im hitchhiking with nothing but a ridicilous outfit telling everyone im leaving and never coming back.

i slept outside the other day accidently. i drank too much grape vodka and fell asleep saying something about the moon or something to liz. it was really nice though sleeping outside without anything even a tent is very freeing if winter didnt exist i would do it then too.

days have been really strange.

there is this giant gap between people i feel very distant and i do not realy know how to change it because it feels strange either way.

i was kind of thinking of doing an eternal sunshine of the spotless mind thing with some people and writing my memories out about them and putting it somewhere so it doesnt keep popping up in my head. i think i dont know how to move forward from some time periods in my life so im literally going to move and put my thoughts away somewhere.

but i was just thinking about how well everything really is arranged like i always think 100 years to live is a long time but its also short. how we came to be, and the people we meet, and i always want it to be different but i still dont know in what way and i could probably not come up with a better solution. language is perfect, math is perfect, art is perfect. nature is perfect. noone could ever come up with a better way because they never saw a better way. so this is probably the best.

i think im going to be deleting this blog. its really self centered, and depressing which kind of describes all of my sophormore years of my life. so hopefully i can break the cycle i some how create every four years.