i have weired relationships that are kind of both. I depend on people maybe just to fill something, but i feel detached in the kind of way I dont want to talk about. I feel everyone is also detached from me in the kind of way I dont want to talk about.
I wish I could describe it but it sounds inhuman and kind of not really talked about. haha but ive have gotten over most things except for this, this wall maybe it is there forever where you can just know someone and they wont care about anything, or when your not just mature happy but just happy. independently happy. going from town to town happy. or dependently happy.
ok im not independent in the full sense and I do not like that I might not be because of loans and school and that pisses me off. Im mad that I got sucked into this I really should have taken a year off.ok. im going to say it school was not for me, not at this time. maybe not ever.
sex is not for me. not this time. maybe not ever. the life i created for my self so far is not for me. not ever.
i did kind of a shitty job at realizing i make all of this up. that im a real person, and that things are not just floating around they are kind of real. and maybe i still do not believe that they are real and i do not think i will be convinced fully.
i think i have been convinced that it is worth sticking around for even if i just constantly float though life and never find anything. if i feel depressed and if i feel happy its all momentarily and it goes away. i do not understand how people get angry or even can do emotions any more once you figure out that secret. yeah i figure out secrets sometimes about life. i think that is what im mostly feeling like a weired kind of busy, happy, blah, i dontwanttofeelanything kind of feeling.
and connections only make sense when the person is there. and i dont know if ill ever have that again. with the way i have changed and the way i am with people and just the way things are in general i just do not know. it really has to be the right place and the right time, or ill never get into it im not even in reality so it is going to take a lot and no effort will come from me. it does not fit my path i feel any ways since i want to just up and leave any place i go soon.
yeah i think it scares a lot of people when they feel they will not find that connection ever again well why would you just leave it because it makes sense doesnt it? because your both different people.
im just going to be water in this life because everything else is impossible.
No comments:
Post a Comment