my life is coming full circle

some girl wrote that on her facebook so i looked it up. i mean  iknew what it meant but sometimes i like to look shit up especially when im bored.

but i found all of these ancient chinese sayings about zen and the meaning of life. i liked them your just suppose to live life and never think about living life or the meaning of life. im contradicting myself now but the whole thing is a contradiction and my psychology classes are becoming mind fucks.

my teacher is talking about how reality is just your own take on it and i knew that but he started really talking about it like really and i just got wrapped the fuck in. i was staring probably looking like i was stoned but i felt kind of stoned. but we all have to focus thats what he really stated. focus on one thing and really think about it, not obessessing over it but really fully cover ever part of it and your mind with rewire itself and you will not feel so anixous or overwhelmed. two things that describe me.

its really not bad. staying with what you have to do. i did it with my statistics and i feel better even if it is just faking it because i was thinking about what my teacher said. its such a simple concept but im really liking phemonology, and existenialism lately. 

i want to fight someone to the death

fucking blood flying everywhere, but you still live its all ok.

need a fucking punching bag of a person, not abuse because they could do it back.

im fucking 19 i dont know what the hell im doing or what i want but it always seems like everyone else has it, and i dont like them because of it and that makes me a horrible person and i know it.

and i know thats a run on sentence but this is my blog and there are no rules

 even though this blogger is controlled by rules because it is made by the internet and the internet is made by us and we make rules and i want to fuck it all up.

i want to tear apart all of this mess and rebuild it because this inst at all what i wanted, but i made it also so it my fault too.

and noone understands me except for like 5 people maybe and how the fuck am i ever going to do this

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

sex is so fucking stupid! its the last thing on my mind and the first because of this stupid place.

i never thought of it until everyone else did it and i freaked out why was i not a plant in the ground who just needs the sun to fuck because then its not such a big deal. but its makes me mad because im not like everyone else and im not a fucking plant. i just want to feel something,not this flat two dimentional shit.

i plan on doing this one day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7QSkI6My1g

im ready for summer

the first photo is from today and the other is my from one of my first days a duquesne i forgot i had my eyebrow pierced.

i found temporary pink hair dye in my house and did some of my hair i kind of want purple

i should do a hair time line for how much i change my hair

random thoughts for valentines day 2004

its weired how i forgot about everything.

i looked through some of my old entries they do not even feel like myself as i do now.

just another person i was and then threw away, i look back on last year an other years and almost relate to that person and then again not at all.

its either detachment or denial. lack of meaning, not really sure.

never seeing your physical self even though you have been with yourself all your life is strange.

i have a new job im pretty sure, i might go to philadephia to visit, who knows 

i hope working in a deli is entertaining, and i hope philadelphia will be cool. 

wouldnt be surprised

if datoka fanning was my long lost sister

worlds

it is interesting how many worlds a person can make for themselves throughout their lives.

everyone has three worlds co-existing at the same time if not more, but how they can change from day to day and sometimes you can pin point when they change.

everyday you live you are changing from what you learn and see, and its all just crazy i dont even want to understand it anymore im just going to let it rape me.

is this from snow white?

expectations

are a bitch.

your own expectations and others.

like im expected to be skinny,and pretty because im a girl

like fuck i want to maybe or maybe i really dont i dont know! i feel like ive been told to be so many things i dont even know what to be, so ill just be this lump and say funny shit, like stuff and put on makeup or clothes, and talk on the phone. i mean what else is there, we took away hunting,sewing clothes, and other old time things for facebook and phones and other shit.

like i wish one of the givens of existence wasnt to be alone. to come in alone and to die alone. like wtf kind of deal is that? 

or that death is certain, we have so much freedom we dont know what to do with it, or that life is meaningless. my existentialism and psychology classes are making me think these theories are true for all i know they might not be things change and i know that might be wiered to think that death might not be certain, or that life might not be meaningless but what if we one day realize these theories arent real or atleast arent entirely true? 

we are always trying to make so much sense and order of things we are eventually just going to one day figure out that something we believed for so long inst true and its going to be big and we are going to be scared but maybe we knew all along.

YEP

my mind is blank, i made it that way, i like it that way, i think its better.
anytime i think i see a conflict or too much of anything coming up i shut it down.
this works for the time being.

my conversation with liz last night was good, however she explained that i was always an angry child because i would laugh at road kill, or talk about cutting things off of people because i didnt like them.

she said i was really preocupied with things other kids werent and i want to get to the bottom of this mystery. what the fuck made me this way? i want to know because at least i could stop feeling like there is some great secret that will unlock great things for me or atleast some kind of understanding.

and it was way before fourth grade or middle school so those years did not create this. i dont feel real or attached like all this shit could just go up into smoke but im not really scared of it. i think of my mom and my dad and then i start thinking well how am i here, and i try to think of there lives before me, and toher peoples lives and my grand parents lives and how honestly strange people look when they are just walking alone with there clothes and their ipods and how strange that would seem to someone who never saw this earth's culture before. and how weired we all get and primitive, and why it all matters and doesnt at the same time. i just dont understand it. i feel like there is some big meaning behind all of this, but then i see things that also tell me there really inst.

why would whoever made us conduct the same experiment again and again? cant they figure us out if they made us?

funny

stuff.

well i started school and thats fun i guess.

spanish II, statistics,medievil philosophy,and psychology classes.

so far i applied to two places to get a job, but who knows.

i am stealing internet right now, and thinking of all the things i can look at now before it goes away.

i want to go find some ghosts

LULZ

im QUITTING
im changing all this shit up

OCD

i think only children all have it.
im never letting my kid be the only one
i think i want to study them because ive noticed a pattern
oh and i start school tommorrow.

one of my friends from duquesne is an only child and he constantly obsesses over certain things in the way i do.
he is not sure if he wants to leave duquesne or go to laroche and its all he talks about.

its different from other people
i think this is because we did this when we were younger, at least i know i did.
i would find something and it was all i could think about.

lately i have been doing this with trying to get my licence. i make whatever i want my entire life.
i then become detached from everything else, i can literally forget everything.

then i will think things i do help me get to the goal that have nothing to do with it, such as listening to a certain song, walking on certain things, ect. its absolutely ridicilous but i really do think it works.

but any ways that is all for today

waking up sleeping in

when i wake up im really disoriented and dizzy.
i flip around alot in my sleep so im really restless so not enough sleep would do this, even though im sure i sleep maybe i just close my eyes and dont think but im still awake?

this shit is funny.

i like all the ideas i come up with but i dont do them

that shit is funny.

whateva....

i think i have alot of anger issues i never sorted out

when im really pissed i can feel it in the back of my eyes

and my whole head burns its like a fever and a headache but no pain

and i could fucking bite through anyone but i dont say shit, i just seeth and its hilarious
but it makes me feel im going to really snap one of these days

bottling anger up is probably on of the worst things to do, especially against plans that you make up yourself or people or anything really.

but i dont really have rage i just want to fucking snap people in half, or just watch everything burn, or be flooded just for a second then i would take it back if i could.

500 days of nothing lol

ill fall in love when im older.

its not my time. not yet.

im not suppose to die yet.

or live yet.

or have what i want yet.

it will fall into place, once i find that magically zen that everyone finds eventually.

what i think everyone has around me doesnt exist or is more exaggarated in my brain because i make up stories to make my self feel bad?

i think i have all of these bad qualities, but i dont?

everything is a question?

ok im done.

anyways goodbye 2009

my first few moments were drinking on a couch watching tv with 4 friends from different places.

this sesmester coming up with bring difference and change