you know whats sick

i think i dont know who im suppose to be anymore.
usually i find good characters to imiate and put my own personality into but lately ive been searching for a new one because they get old

like lux lisbon, or clementine krunsinki. im a fraud and its the only thing im good at.

maybe its fucked up that i pretend to be these girls but i guess they are the people i want to be because they arent real and not being real appeals to me.

i thought things were going my way for a second but it looks like i have to put more effort and hard work into what ever im trying to do.
what if i fail, well i guess its better than not trying right, anything is better than that.
however i hate looking stupid, but im so good at it.
people can just sense how fucking retarded im being and it makes me nervous and never want to do anyhting again except destroy my temporal part of my brain and fuck up my memory.

my brain is one giant loop and its always thinking. first its positive and then all of a sudden the negative thought comes in right a way and i have a huge battle the rest of the day, that is how all of my days starts and ends and im looking for that to stop. i need it to stop and this is the only reason why i want to kill myself sometimes it because it never fucking stops.

when i was really happy about life and crap, nothing brought me down until external forces did. now its myself. the last person i have to tell off.
i thought everyone liked me and that noone was bothered by me and i could ask them whatever i wanted and say whatever i wanted look how i wanted.
and now for some reason it all fucking matters. except it doesnt and i really should learn from my old self. it should be the opposite way around by some how i progressed into a shitty crazy fucked up person.

i should just keep telling myself what i did back then.
NONE OF THIS SHIT MATTERS.
noone cares and noones opinon matters.
do you really want to keep being who you were? no well then fix it, do whatever it takes to make yourself different and happy.
so i did.
i was persistent
i didnt give a shit.

if everyhting is not going to matter then what the hell why are we all stuck in this weired shit where we think we cant do anyhting?