i give up

whats the secret?

sometimes when i look at people i feel everyone knows the secret but me
how small can something make you feel
like time
or looking at something that you cant believe could be made
or reading about history
or the stars
and then looking at how long you have really been here
and really you havent been here at all in the great scheme of things
people might remeber you in the next generation
maybe the one after that
but then you disappear and memories fade becuase they our only in some peples brains not everyones like we like to think

and really our problems and everyone elses problems go away because we die
and its all really simple
then the next generation dies
and the next
and then soon the earth dies
the universe dies
and its all black
and eventually that dies
and then something else is made
created destroyed created destroyed
and you wonder why you were created and destroyed
and how much you contributed

if our cells become addicted to emotion why would they ever become addicted to sadness.
if our main goal is to survive, i dont underatand how our bodies can self destruct.
how they get diseases, we have not evolved much, not at all.

we know how to make people live longer, but not to acutally make our bodies live longer.
we can hook them up to machines, in fact most people dead today could still be techinically alive through life support. so we could just have a whole mess of the living dead.

but i guess we respect ourselves moure than that.
or maybe doctors just dont give a shit after their first person dies. then all the living and dead look the same to them.

SELF RESPECT

BLONDE

watched a video in my criminology class where they made people be prisoners or prison guards
and then the experimient actually kind of became real. after two days people started really thinking they were trapped or that they had power.

i dunno what else to say.

but i can kind of relate to it
i take on the role of another person when i want to fit in


i let all of their problems become my own because i want to understand them

and its kind of strange
why cant i just be my own person
am i scared of what people will think of the real me
is this why i am alone
i am stuck in this horrible line between reality and delusion,
i think all of these things and then i try to separate them from my real life
and noone likes me
why why why why why
what do i do wrong what the fuck do people want from me
am i that big of a standoffish bitch that noone thinks im nice
why does everyone like everyone else
do they participate better
have more passion, or sex, more attractive,or a better personailty
or what
just let me have one
i dont understand why im still a fucking freak

SUICIDE

i know this is my second for the day but i am pretty bored.

i love the subject of suicide, in fact everything about death is interesting to me.

im not interested in the statistics but more of what it looks like. what is that moment like.

you realize this is it, i did this to myself, i can not take this back---then completely blackness.

i heard that the after life is excatly what it was like before you were born.

i dont remember what it was like before i was born so i guess its just nothing. you dont exist.

 and thats really comforting to me. i dont understand how someone could want to live forever. i mean i would like to see everyone when i die but what if you dont. 

what if it is something completely different. 

what if you are just reincarnated and you are doing this circle for the rest of your life. 

and you forever dont know why you are here, what your purpose is 

why your soul was created

what if you get bored of forever

what if its not knowledge

to know everything at death would make you God and that can not happen most likely

so really it might be the ultimate joke and experiment

and maybe i think too much

FAIRY TALE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5Hv0tsvpyU&feature=fvw
the one thing that is really funny to me if how we all live our lives.
its honestly the most ridiciolous thing ever.
born
walk
talk
preschool
gradeschool
middle school
highschool
college
work
retire
old
die
now explain to me why more than half of that is not fun.
who decided all of this.
i must be extremely delusional because this is not how i pictured life to be like at all. its all very weired and tedious.
anyways someone next to me in class was playing this on her computer today and it made me laugh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5Hv0tsvpyU&feature=fvw

UGLY DUCK

when i was really little i used to look like a boy and im not kidding.
people actually asked my mom about her son. and for some reason she thought that was okay so she always cut my hair super short and only made me wear dresses on hoildays. i was also chubby which is really funny to think about if you see me now.

i guess i thought i was a boy too, not that i had alot of boys as friends or girls as friends i just kind had the mind set since i didnt look like a girl.

so i guess i was always meant to be extremely confused and my mom always asks me if i am a lesbian. well to be honest im not sure what i am. i havent had enough relationships go through to say exactly. and if i did they were also just as confusing and gender bending. so i might never know.

but ugly ducklings never really turn into beauitful people. im just average and just as wiered as ever. i know more about how i am suppose to look, and how im suppose to act, but its never quite right at least not for me. they always have a bunch of strandards to compare themselves too. and remember what was told to them by other people to change about themselves.

being called pale and an albino didnt make me go tanning, sorry bitches.

being called ugly didnt make me get plastic suregery.

being called a loser didnt make me get friends, or a boyfriend.

and being called anything else didnt make me do anything about it.

even though i considered doing all of these things, i made myself over in a way over the years, so really you were all no help at all. if i was not secure with myself i would not be able to say all of this.

if anything you made me dislike being here for a while, but it didnt make me kill myself.
so really you did nothing at all. and noone really knows shit about me so i can never really get hurt.

TO MY HOT TEACHER

you are so sexy.
i love teachers i used to touch mr. bishops ass everyday, but he didnt care.
what is it about school that makes people go crazy?
who knows.

halloween is soon and i havent gone to a haunted house

suggestions for both teacher and haunted house?

YEY!

everything is great . a great weight has been lifted. i forgot a huge assignment in school and this time i didnt care. i dont know what happened to me those few weeks but now i have no thoughts, its just about living in the present. seeing people i love. everyone should lose their ipod (lol i did) and just listen to the sounds of the world around you. you can be in your own world without it. i dont like the indifference i feel around school.

UPDATE

okay my freak out is over i think

look forward to happier postings in the next few weeks.

ATTEMPT ONE

Today while i was driving into school. i got really panicky. it felt like the top of my head was going to fall off haha. or all my hair was going to fall out and then i looked at a bus stop sign and it didnt really look real. so depersonlization happens to me a lot. i have a ton of out of body expereineces most of them arent that fun but i like them sometimes becuase it reminds me that most of this inst real.

i was really happy yesterday. lizzy called me and she was the first person i talked to when i woke up. it was beauitful outside, and my teacher told us really great stories of when he visited a prison. and i just had a ton of confidence like i could do anything.i couldnt wait for thanksgiving and christmas becuase i wanted to see all of my family and i wanted to talk to everyone. i wanted to see my mom and my dad when they got home from work and i wanted to talk to them about anything because they dont know how much i love them.

yet today for some reason is not like that.

i just have to realize that some people get things and others do not. i dont know why i am not aloud, so wtf.

i might be a lame now but i guess it will change i dont know when but it will.

i just dont know what to do now to what to focus my time on.

just have to remeber when i have a negative thought also have a positive thought.

DISCLAIMER: this blog i swear makes me sound like i am serevly depressed but that is because i write it in the morning while i am at school. so really it only reflects the time of the day for me.

NEWBORN

i am a little baby, i have alittle baby face.
i have child emotions. i am stuck in a world of adults and i am in a 19 year old body but i am a baby someone let me out.

in my development class i learned that when babies are ignored they do not cry so they do not disturb the bond between their mom rather they ignore it and give up very quickly especailly during materal depression.

so i ignore everyone i lock myself in my little room i push them away in hopes they will come back and love me.

i thought i was an old soul but it turns out i am a new soul. others think differently than me they analyize, all i do is try to master my enviroment, try not to be neglected, alone, and try to be loved.

i want to see where the wild things are
i think things are like that
i'll find that land

i love, love. give me give me

?

Is it possible to never change?
i feel like i have been the same for most of my life.
maybe i wont grow up, i might be this person forever.
but nothing can stay the same thats impossible so what am i doing wrong?


WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
some just tell me what to do already, i dont know what i am or what anyone is
how do other people do it? what do other people do? how do things turn out right and move on instead of staying the same? i can try and answer these things for myself but i have no other perspective but my own experiences and life.

nothing is comforting
being alone is not
being with others is not
being here is not
so where do i go

so should i just make myself more uncomfortable


where does it begin where does it end
its all too long and too short

SOMEONE FUCKING PUNCH ME ALREADY
give me a wake up call

VIRGIN SUICIDES

i dunno if i woke up today better or worse.
trying to keep yourself always busy is a lot of work.
im not sure what to do today.
just have to stop thinking and it will all come together.
i just sleep more and that kind of helps.
thats what always happens, so why not follow the formula.


science is so interesting but i feel i could never do it, but really everyone can in a way.

i wonder if everyone is this bored and alone.

TAKE ONE YOU GOT TO TAKE 40 MORE TO KILL YOURSELF

so my dreams as of late (not goals im talking about sleeping dreams) have been involving alot of water and tsunamis while im at the beach with my friends, then someone washes up next to us but they are still alive then whoever i am with turns and says to me "wow what a big wave". its been a recurring dream that i have been having since august haha.

my friend who lives in philadephia has been telling me that i have been appearing in her dreams alot and i cant help but feel this is connected. she told me that she dreamed me and my family where the first to die in a government genocide and i had to get "the shot" first. then she dreamed i was taking her through a tour of the jungle in Africa and i thought alligators were ok to walk on. so i live a very exciting life in a subconious sense.

so in reality///

nothing has been happening, i canceled my driving test, nothing is really moving along or moving very slowly with my other situations haha, and i sometimes feel very hopeless like this will never end. but i have actually not been thinking alot lately and not living in my head so much so i dont want to really die so i have been happier.

i think its here to stay i just have to keep myself busy and never have a moment to myself, i will never be there again.

LUCK OR PROBABILITY

i really believe in luck.
maybe because i am not the biggest fan of numbers and never have been.
people really do find alot of meaning in numbers and think that is what the universe really is.
but i think its alot more disordered than that, then again i have very illogical and magical thinking.
everything can not be proven by statistics because there is always someone that messes up the order of things.
and patterns do exist but i am not sure if its in a numeral form
i think its more in shapes and emotions.
i would be the shittest scientist ever.

BLACK TACO

i wonder if i am doing something right or if i am doing something wrong and it will all come crashing down and im making myself believe something just because i want to be excited about something.

who knows? i knows

everyone says listen to what yourself is telling yourself well what if you really dont know. then who really knows?

theyre gonna get you.

PASS OR FAIL

so i got really nervous about everythng that is happening on either friday or saturday of this week and my mom noticed cause i actually came out of my room haha.

so i told her that i didnt think i could do either even though these things are easy and all things i just need to do i have become obsessed with little simple tasks lately its really weired.

anyways she thinks something terrible happened to me that made me this way.nothing too bad has ever happened to me i mean everyone has had something bad happen to them but well i dunno you know haha. if this is how i portray myself to the world now i know why i am definity lonely but also surrounded by people who like me this was quite the epiphany.

haha my mom called us a generation of whiners and it cracked me up.

well it all doesnt matter anyway when im 80 all this shit is going to be ridicious and im going to be pissed that i wasted my life like this. 

hopefully when im 80 ill just steal shit from walmart and just be badass.

LEARNING

i havent learned anything except my teacher says our brain changes every day because of new experiences.

but i guess i feel the same i am not really sure

i wish i wasnt such a bitch haha

i cant believe i actually have to talk in front of people friday i was totally going to skip it but my teacher would notice

i was talking to my friend and he told me to find out what i like to do and not what other people like to do.
so i guess im sort of a follower sometimes but i just think i try to be and i am not really

what the fuck am i talking about

driving into work

yeah i think im the only 19 year old who still gets driven to work by her dad.
its really nice of him but it makes me feel really dependant
i hate feeling dependant on people and i dont mean clingy like im not up their ass but i just still live at home so i have to get out of here or move or something.

I hate aniexty more than anything, why would that emotion ever need to be created it serves barely any purpose in the world now except to fuck with people.
it stopped me from getting my licenece
it stopped me from making friends
it made me lose friends
it made me stay in my house for three weeks straight this summer
and it made me end up in the hospital from freaking out

but then again its my fault so whatever

every year i am overwhelmingly nervous about something this year its about being alone and that feeling is even worse.

but that is all going to change i am going to start being determined, and motivated to live. this time its going to go away forever. I dont care if you think i am throwing myself a pity party on here this is just honestly what i think about everyday and i have to get it out or it will drive me insane it already has before.

I am really missing last year cause i did not care too much about anything i said fuck it, all that is in the past is in the past and i dont care if noone talks to me i will talk to them.

its not that i dont have friends i do but i just never hang out with them which makes no sense

i have to constantly be a different person or its not going to work and will forever be in the loop of never getting anywhere.

mysterious life

My susan miller prediction for my astrology said today was a lucky and romantic day for me, so lets see what happens. Supposively October 16th is a really interesting day for my saturn is coming back into my planets who like me until like 2012 when the world ends. well i do have saturn on my back for seriousss so maybe before the world ends i will have a good long relationship, or at least be happy happy happy before the zombies and the polars shift.

I wanted to create a blog because i am bored of always sitting around for 5 hours since i am a commuter at Duqueasy and im not very outgoing.

i kind of hate the word commuter it sounds like i have a handicap or something, i get like embarassed to tell people shit like that. i get embarrassed that i did not move away to some place and start my life anew but instead i see fucks from my middle school around here who look like they are on drugs and havent slept in about five days but i guess im describing all college kids including my self minus the drug problem for now.

List of things to do

1. get presentation done- in other words take a perecocet so i can pretend that im not up there with a powerpoint and other people looking at me

2.write paper- pshttt

3.get licence- hopefully will happen the 4th time around starting to feel like spongebob


Lastly figure out what i want to be for Halloween and what i am going to do that day. im not really a list person but i have so much shit on one day i have to make a list. it doesnt really fit with me being a gemini, or infp but who cares im not really feeling like myself.

and screw my phone im shutting it off for a day.

this post makes me sound bitter, but there will be happier ones just wait a week if ms. miller is right.