yeah i think im the only 19 year old who still gets driven to work by her dad.
its really nice of him but it makes me feel really dependant
i hate feeling dependant on people and i dont mean clingy like im not up their ass but i just still live at home so i have to get out of here or move or something.
I hate aniexty more than anything, why would that emotion ever need to be created it serves barely any purpose in the world now except to fuck with people.
it stopped me from getting my licenece
it stopped me from making friends
it made me lose friends
it made me stay in my house for three weeks straight this summer
and it made me end up in the hospital from freaking out
but then again its my fault so whatever
every year i am overwhelmingly nervous about something this year its about being alone and that feeling is even worse.
but that is all going to change i am going to start being determined, and motivated to live. this time its going to go away forever. I dont care if you think i am throwing myself a pity party on here this is just honestly what i think about everyday and i have to get it out or it will drive me insane it already has before.
I am really missing last year cause i did not care too much about anything i said fuck it, all that is in the past is in the past and i dont care if noone talks to me i will talk to them.
its not that i dont have friends i do but i just never hang out with them which makes no sense
i have to constantly be a different person or its not going to work and will forever be in the loop of never getting anywhere.
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ReplyDeleteI can't stop reading this and laughing hysterically while spreading out my arms to the sky. Not that I find it funny, though... just wonderful and colorful.
I can't even translate what's happening in concrete terms, but there's a place that we haven't yet explored, you know? I mean that mysterious semi-purple body of liquid in which people sometimes attempt to materialize, in order to glance into some vague fucking light. This is a temporary dive into gelatin, where they look for an answer which, when drawn back into our section of the world, will race forward at full speed. Anxiety sort of breaks that space by smashing your semi-limp body into the "semi-purple" repeatedly.
As time passes, I know I'll be able to relate to all that you've written more and more. No matter what happens, somehow there will be a turn that I can't control. Breaking this path will be like struggling against elastic.
I really hope you can actually make this work. All of it seems like a crossroad between two extremes, so I'm just as worried about you as I am hopeful. This blog confirms the loop... so you really need to break it somehow. I think you're already doing that.
Hope this helps, by the way:
ReplyDeleteAt some point in your life, you're going to meet an absofuckinglutely DELIGHTFUL deer. Doesn't matter if you meet said deer in the past, present, or future. It is a deer. Delightful deer will affect you before you meet it, and it will affect you afterward. While in the presence of delightful deer, you'll be like... 'damn this deer is probably sick or something. i don't want to play with it because it is a deer'. The real problem is that it is seriously delightful. Give that deer a massive pile of shit to swim in, and somehow the deer is going to make an instrument out of fecal debris. The music deer plays will change you, even though you hardly like it all.
delightful deer+
savor delightful deer+
continue to live this way+
dance with delightful deer+
fear the delightful deer+
feel the delightful deer+
hide from delightful deer+
cry with delightful deer+
run with delightful deer+
suddenly, several years drip by
and delightful deer is nowhere in sight.
how will you cope with delightful deer's voice
constantly giving you advice
on how to fill your needles
and how to live your life?
haha ok so delightful deer is coming soon. i was talking to this person online and he told me he hit a deer so i think its funny that you mention this animal.
ReplyDeletesuch good comments
we need to learn how to materialize its going to happen
That wasn't delightful deer... and I think we already know how to materialize? Control is a different matter.
ReplyDeleteThe end of the Mayan calendar seems too far away for the world's end... It's never too early for a teenage apocalypse.
Also, I thought you were inxp - too close to even between t and f?
lol im not sure if i am between infp or intp i thought i was more of a cry baby so i chose infp haha
ReplyDeleteI think these are all crybabies - just crying about different things. Type 9 enneagram sounds fun, and it makes sense. Did you have a wing? The wing is either tied with the main score or very close. I tied on 5 and 4, so 5w4.
ReplyDeletehaha i got a 7 on type 9 and a 6 on both romantic and thinker so i guess im def a type nine. a peacemaker im not so sure
ReplyDelete