MORE

collection i found in my basement. i cant believe my parents thought this was healthy or to encourage it lmao. but its definty funny all that stuff on the floor is cut outs of pictures of birds, plates,cards,stickers,stuffed animals, ect.

when i get home

im going to look for my utimate box of my obsession with birds at age 9

its quite big and i dont think anyone would throw it away since it took me most of the year to collect it.
if i find it its going on here.

it must be in my basement
i think im going to put my other things i was in love with also up on here.
and also some of my childhood diaries

but these will all come later, i guess this is my new project.

birds

when i was a kid i had an obsession with birds. 

they were my everything

in fact every consecutive year i gain a new obsession and throw out the old one

there are so many things wrong with me haha

anyways i would draw birds for hours on end

i had books deciaited to them

i have only a few of these but i used to have so many more

it said on the corner on both of these 1999 so i think i was 9 or 10

when im around little kids they make me feel dumb haha
they are so intimidating
like i dont know how preschool teachers do it
they are so honest

i was distracted

i needed a break from spilling some of myself out onto the internet
but i realized i broke a habit and it made me feel better

i have alot of habits like liking opiates too much
or not doing what i should be doing
or sleeping at the wrong time

its all questionable and makes me feel like i live mulitple lives at once
its fucks with me

i seen a bunch of people from duquesne yesterday like my teacher and this other kid
and i like duquesne outside of duquesne

i have to pick a mentor because im now a psychology major but i dont want to meet someone that doesnt want to meet me.

i go crazy every hour, and rock back and forth mentally and then i come back and then somethng forcefully pushes me back. i must be bi polar my learning tells me that but no its much more.
its much farther.

i was also very anti social when i was a kid.
this girl i used to be friedns with tried to be friend me on the first day of pre school i dont remeber this but she told me this when i was about 16.
she said she came up to me and i was playing with a puzzle and she asked me if i wanted to go play house or soemthing and i didnt say anyhting i just turned around
she went up to another boy who was also an only child and he did the same thing
who my mom forcefully mad eme be friedns with later

im writing more later i have to go to something now

take it or leave it

old or new

i think im an old soul that inst going to be apart of the cycle after this life because i like the ideas of death and life so much.

i hate when people dont get what im saying haha.

i even look apart of the olden days lol if you put me in an old time dress it would be scary.

but i have to do things now,
im not saying anything interesting lately just weired thoughts i have during the day.

i understand why amywinehouse fucks pete doughty
i like his band alot

whats a girl to do?

i feel all my friends have magical powers except me is that crazy?
maybe i lost mine i know i used to have some
im not really noticed im completely invisible

i cant really do anything except live in my little fairy tale world were everything is what i want

its really easy to be imaginary

nothings going to be here anytime soon

i wonder if im the weakess person ever?

i hate feeling stupid and all that junk.
i just feel like im going to throw up lately
i dont know if its because my nerves have been totally shot, or if im stressed and cant tell and its just physically manifesting itself.

who knows

i had a interesting dream last night.
i think i was high on something and i was in a circle with a bunch of people that i knew such as lizzy and aj and they were argueing about how their brother fainted and died on whatever i was on. and they all turned to me and everything was getting black and gray and fuzzy and they all started chanting some weired nonsense sentence.

some thing about some guy named tom.

and i fell on the ground and i was still looking around the room and their voices were now getting in my head. then everything was getting dark and flooded with water and i was outside now and it was raining. and i looked up and i was trapped in between this building and i was looking for someone and then i woke up when they finally called me.

VIRGINITY

i guess since two people wrote theres ill write mine so secrets wont be held.



i met the fucker on valentines day at a drug store when i was 17, he gave me his number and i talked to him until i turned 18. so we hung out in between those times he asked me over his house and we made out or he would take the bus with me to work. it was all a bunch of crap but i wanted to fuck becasue everyone else was not because i wanted to so it was all very fake and stupid.



so after i drov emyself crazy the entire year about why i didnt fuck yet. i fucked him in the summer. he was from malaysia, in a band, and kind of sexy so i did it. he knew i was a virgin and i wore something absoloutely ridcilous that day. i think rainbow socks, and other ugly shit. i think just because i wanted to subconiously be innocent still. he kept asking me if we were going to have sex. and then i said if you want to then just do me. so he did. it didnt get me off and it was tortureous and lame. i thought of what other people were doing and who i would call. and how i would just do this because it would fill up time. so the next few times we did i got drunk and it was funner.



then i eventually cut off all contact because he started to like me and said i was girlfriend material lmao and took me iceskating and took me other places. i started to like him as a person and as a friendi didnt fall in love with him becuase i dont assoicate sex with love. and im kind of mad i didnt wait until i really liked someone to do it but oh well thats life.

how much do you want to live in a world that does shit like this?
maybe i really dont like anything anymore
juliet could be right

depression low self esteem its all so familar
reminds me of eighth grade-minus the mean people, never going to school, and being at my grandma's for ten hours everyday

i never got the chance to fully accept myself, i was trying to change who i was to make people like me now i have no idea who i am. if you dont know yourself then your lost and you cant like or love anything. and i dont want to do anything about it.

i dont want drugs because it gets old, you can only be high and calm for so long and then it wears off its too easy of a fix

and there is only so much i want to tell my therapist when i tell them to much then they keep refering me to get drugs or to talk to someone else who might be better.

it will go away hopefully next year if years really do repeat themselves then next year will be a year i really like if its chronlogical.

each day

im reborn.
but then i feel an emotion i already felt and its old and its boring. and i want to go back to sleep.

but sometimes people can you get you mad you get that fire emotion, the one that drives you to do things. i love that one maybe more than any of the others.

i amke friends, not enemies, not lovers. and that is my only quality maybe.

i have made the other two extremes before and i liked both of them but i dont make them often and i wonder if that means there is something wrong with me.

dont you need people to hate you for people to love you?

thats the question of the day people. answer it.

how retarded does it feel when you are going to cry and then you have to fucking hold it. 

i talked to lizzy on the phone today and we were just talking about crazy shit and it made me feel really angry and sometimes when i get really pissed i cry because i dont ever do shit about it when i really should just go kick peoples asses. 

i just woke up today angry. im angry at how much different everything is, and i guess i think everything can stay the same but it cant.

i threw away alot of my childhood things today because my mom didnt want this big box of it anymore. i found drawings of birds i made. 

i dont even feel like a girl or a person or anything. and liz told me that if i want to die then i shouldnt care i should just do everything. she told me i also have a really deep want for attention from people and i really appreiate friendship more than most people. 

it is really good to hear these things about yourself because i always just see myself as a monster that noone ever likes but its not really true. 

i think im going to move away or go to a school out of state. i need to start over. 

some guy gave this to me

Curiosity 
may have killed the cat, more likely
the cat was just unlucky, or else curious
to see what death was like, having no cause 
to go on licking paws, or fathering
litter on litter of kittens, predictably.

Nevertheless, to be curious
is dangerous enough. To distrust
what is always said, what seems, 
to ask odd questions, interfere in dreams, 
leave home, smell rats, have hunches
does not endure him to doggy circles
where well-smelt baskets, suitable wives, good lunches
are the order of things, and where prevails
much wagging of incurious heads and tails.

Face it. Curiosity 
will not cause you to die...
only lack of it will.
Never to want to see 
the other side of the hill,
or that improbable country where living is an idyll
although a probably hell 
would kill us all.
Only the curious
have, if they live, a tail
worth telling at all.

Dogs say he moves too often, is irresponsible, 
is changeable, marries too many wives,
deserts his children, chills all dinner tables 
with tales of his nine lives.
Well, he is lucky. Let him be
nine-lived and contradictory,
curious enough to change, prepared to pay the price,
which is to die and die again and again,
each time with less pain.

A cat, minority of one
is all that can be counted on 
to tell the truth. And what he has to tell
on each return from hell 
is this: That dying is what the living do,
that dying is what the loving do,
and that dead dogs are those who do not know
that hell is where to live, they have to go.

haha

so i got really bored at work and got twisted up into wondering what it would be like to be in love with each one of my friends and it was funny.

most were kind of mean relationships, alot of ignoring and mindfucking.
some were kind of awkward.

i think i need shit to do.

soemtimes you need to explore crazy dumb stuff so your mind doesnt create a disease because its bored to tears.

i have a hard time believing this is the right path for me. im definity suppose to be somewhere else doing something else. i guess. to be honest i dont know what im looking for. but right now my neighborhood looks really nice its 8:05 in the morning and im watching everything get lit up. everyone is still sleeping in my house and in the surrounding houses and its nice. ive seen it all before but its still pretty.

all im tying to do is be calm or patience and wait for something, anything. all the possibliles float in and out of my head and everything can happen or change. its all so weired what is happening to the people around me. i feel like we have all grown at different speeds and everyone is farther than me and knows more and im not doing anything. i just want to be important. but im just really passive. and im always thinking and my brain is always buzzing and my dreams and my life and my !!11!! !11!2^^&Y.    thats what it constantly feels like just racing against nothing i dont know why the voice in my head does that.

identity

if i act like a million people well then i have a million separate problems.

i dont know why i split up everything around me into weired little universes, i'm really not that crazy because i know im doing it and i remember everything though out my day so i know who the real girl is, i just make up others accidently.

i did this as a kid too. if i didnt have anyone around then i would be someone else. they werent that much interesting to me. i talk to myself a lot and i always have. im not independant in someways but in others i really am. i have my own definition of being alone, i feel alone even if im with a bunch of people, or even if a bunch of people want to talk to me i dont give a shit. none of it is geniune and im fucking sick of it. im fucking sick of everyones fucking shit. everyone is so selfish its disgusting and im not excluding myself here either. im disgusting, where did all of my happiness go it got replaced with turds im so fucking pissed and i never want to speak again.

i can see why some people do not speak for 20 years it all makes sense because they have nothing better to say. 

THIS IS BULLSHIT. nothing even happened to me today but im pissed. 

all you fuckers just fuck with me and now i want to be a mute and live in a shack in a forest far the fuck away from here. so i will never have to know what happened or what could have happened or this and that because it wont matter.

im so angry that i havent been happy for a while and im 19

i dont know what i want, if their was a suggestion box i would ask for guidance. because im most than lost.

 

black coat, white shoes

oh man. friday the 13th.

have you ever felt you and someone else were thinking the same thing
it happens to me alot. sometimes i say it out loud other times i keep it a secret with them.

its so much fun, it really is.
because you could always be wrong, or you could be really right.

ive been thinking of some crazy shit lately that im not going to put on here because im afraid i will jinx it if i put it into writing so just in case i die all my secrets and thoughts with go with me.

thats the most beauitful thing about life how much we really wont know about someone even if they were really close to us because there is only so many memoires or times we have shared with someone but we never saw it from their point of view. we also dont know their whole childhood, thoughts, schooling, or time they have spent in their room.

i feel like i dont want to do any of it but at the same time i do. but sometimes i think it would be really cool to die before any of it happens so just in case it doesnt happen so i wont be disappointed. i really like that escape factor for every living thing because its so feared and because its so final.

why do my arms bend the other way

proof i'm part alien

"i could see you being content being homeless"- amanda k.

haha after i told her that im made to go to school and that i dont really learn. i dont know what kills me about everything but everything does but how ive been doing a lot of what makes me happy heres what i found out. 

so i might be homeless living on duquesne campus which would be hilarious.

im actually perfectly happy being alone

i dont want a boyfriend or someone to fuck just everyone else around me does so i thought i had too

um i cant think of what else

TAKE WARNING, TAKE WARNING

IM AT SCHOOL BEING A RETARD

NURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

////

its pretty obivous im bored i wonder how many hours i waste.
if someone added them all up i would be ashamed
but what else am i suppose to do

estimate: 40,500

i dunno if thats how many ive even been alive but regardless.

reminds me of my life

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2009/10/18/a-very-special-easter/

I CANT WAIT.

to look how i want to look

LOL

i havent gone to a full day of classes all week what am i doing?
i think i really should have taken a year off this is a waste of money but its so good.
but ive been doing work for all of my classes during this time so its not like im wasting time.

ive had two bowls of cereal and i felt really dizzy this morning. maybe im dying and something is slowly eating away at my brain. i would be the first zombie. it would make sense as to why im so unmovitvated, and so sleepy. its that or mono but i dont think i have that either.

life is so strange but im really enjoying it this week for no good reason. ive been super happy and its ridicilous cause nothing has changed except my attitude.

if i fail i fail. if i dont find what im looking for thats fine. why should i care what anyone thinks of me noone is better or worse.

i sleep and sleep and sleep. i acutally over sleep and its so good.
in sleep noone can bother me, make me feel small
probably the reason i do not work on saturdays anymore is because all i wanted to do was be in bed. i never want to go anywhere, im surprised i havent quit most things.

i dont want to ever do anything again, except sleep and dream

the worst thing

is it weired to almost hate logic or science?

i think it is because you need some of it to survive but i dont know if im all for it.

EARLY BIRD SPECIAL

im leaving school early today i dont want math psttt cant catch me.

i want to stretch my ears real bad so we'll see about that

anyways ive been doing so good with the self confidence thing lately im going to give myself a gold star.

im cool and awesome and noone can tell me different.

actually i want to leave school right now this shit is bananas

i have an itunes card i need to use up and a paper to write

ew @school

i have to go to something dumb for school tonight

however im getting chicken and im excited

i talked to people who made me feel better about my life
maybe things will turn out alright who knows

im not feeling like i used to and thats making me very excited

i did feel inferior for one second today though but i talked myself out of it

SOMEDAYS

i feel like i have it all figured out.
this is not one of them but its close.
so its alright.

those days where you dont have a thought in your head and you simply just a passenger in your own life. where you dont even look at the person who you think might be steering. you dont care, it could be anyone or it could be noone and you could drive off a fucking cliff at any second. you feel different almost confident like you cant die. like you maybe never lived, and that you might wake up and notice you have been asleep and your still fifteen and you still have time and your not who you thought you were in your dream, no your still someone you maybe like. or maybe your noone and you dreamt up that other girl, or boy that person you have been and their whole life down to every detail.

yes this could happen one day you never know.
in fact i would be delighted

CAUGHT

my mom caught me smoking in my room and yelled at me which was weired.

she told me if i want to kill myself i can do it outside on the porch but its really cold out there.

she loves me she really does but we will never ever understand each other for some reason or another and we never have.

i would like to know all about her because she is actually the same level of crazy as me but in a totally different way.
////
why do some people say they are incapable of love?

alot of my friends blogs have been saying that. do you think it cant happen?

i really believe in it because its like the only real magic in this world at least to me i know how gay that sounds but i dont care.

you could say your incapable of anything else really, but you love something because if you didnt then what do you feel is keeping you here what is stopping you from killing yourself?

school is not keeping you here,
drugs are not keeping you here,
work is not keeping you here.

friends and family is what is keeping me here at least.


what do you think about? my mind is so floaty,girly, and irrational but it gets really obsessive and dark too.

anything can happen at any second, if you think that something is going to go one way it will go the other. if you dont think love is real you just havent looked at the world around you the poeple around you. its all very true and once you have it you should know but sometimes it takes a few years to realize it.

OOO

ok so thats how your suppose to live haha

so last night i was bored at work and read a bunch of sites on self improvement.
it said to treat yourself how you treat others.
i treat others better than myself, so i started thinking positively about myself and rewarding myself for all the good things i have done so far even if they are small. if you make a mistake dont think about it so much and call yourself stupid. i have alot of self hate and its unforutate but i was kind of trained to in a way.

so its not about tihnking positive becuase its hard to think positive all the time
its about elimating bad thoughts about yourself when you catch them
and when you have a million racing thoughts and your mind is starting to shut down you have to pull yourself out of it. for some reason i was doing the opposite its not that i didnt know this before. because everyone knows how to love themselves, its just that you really have to face it and be like im going to do this. ive done it before. i used to be exactly like this in the eighth grade but when i got to ninth grade i was way more outgoing and didnt give a fuck what anyone thought about me. then it happened again in the tenth grade, but its just goes to show you always have to be working on yourself. if you dont then its going to come back. and its not just low confidence this can be with any trait that you hate about yourself.

trying to force something to happen inst going to work it all has to be natural also. so just take everything slow. and dont let it totally overwhelm you.

ATTEMPT # 2

I havent made anyones life better by being here have i?

////
when you stop caring it all happens

i have to stop caring
i need busy work
give me lots and lots of shit to do and ill be in my own world in no time

what the hell appeals to me?
questions from my mom:
what do you do in your room all night
why dont you eat
why do you sleep so much
why dont you talk to your friends
why arent you doing anything

why? because i cant stand anything.
the farther away i am the better, the more i dont see of everything the more i cant miss it
if i just stay in my little fucking bubble that i always create then nothing happens
anytime i just to make an attempt at something happening well it doesnt.

so everyone step the fuck back and just be bystanders and have the bystander effect
oh someone else will call the police someone closer to her will help

so im not ready for anything? are you fucking kidding me, who is? i hate everyones stupid explainations for everything. no its because i have no luck,or im ugly or im crazy or everything else its because im me. and i cant stand myself. im a stupid dumb fucking piece of shit, and everyone knows it just noone will tell me.

FIGHT

i think im made up alot of the time

i mean nothing really inst impossible 

maybe we are everything at once 

im not sure to be honest

/////

you keep giving me piles of shit too do 

while my body is worn down

i think im getting a bit sick we will see what happens throughout the day.

/////

i dont know whats going to happen

am i a control freak?

i know im really nuerotic

LOVE

i am in love with my friends.

take juliet barbati for example haha.

she just says all that im thinking and thats all that i ask for.
she wants so much from people but i think she already knows me and has seen things the exact way i have before soo...

i dunno.

i dont know where im really going with this but i already want to go home and i just got to school.
i hate this place, and all the things i have to do to complete it.

i think im going to just finish it out and do nothing with my degree because psychology is very interesting dont get me wrong,but i doubt its something i could actually do for most of my life.

all the people in my major are retarded girls.

and im not sure if i am stable enough to tell people that they are mentally ill when i am too.

im just going to go back to art for now. its not something im amazing at but its something i always go back too, because there is so many forms of it.
you can learn art, or you can have a talent for it.
you can be art,wear art,eat art anything really with it. how could you not like it?

i love it it just shows different peoples views of the same thing. if you ever wonder what its like to be in someone elses brain then you know. i really wish i could come out of my own for a day just to not exist for a bit.

MAYBE NOT

my friends and i met really awesome people last night

they have a circus where they put nails up their noses or smash cinder blocks on their chests
and everyone thought they were foriegn at first but their accents were fake and they were actors.

they are homeless and live down by the river.
they were so interesting they do what they do because of their religon and faith in God.

i was amazed by them because they fooled everyone but they still had a message.

i would like to join them
i want to find faith like that, or a group like that.
to feel love or something anything that they had.
it felt so simple

maybe im really depressed because i looked around at the people i was with and i was the only one alone.
i cant stand it, its eating me up and it makes me want to kill myself.
and i have to stop looking at other peoples lives but you just cant ignore everything.
i dont know what to do. or if what im hoping will work out will.