how retarded does it feel when you are going to cry and then you have to fucking hold it. 

i talked to lizzy on the phone today and we were just talking about crazy shit and it made me feel really angry and sometimes when i get really pissed i cry because i dont ever do shit about it when i really should just go kick peoples asses. 

i just woke up today angry. im angry at how much different everything is, and i guess i think everything can stay the same but it cant.

i threw away alot of my childhood things today because my mom didnt want this big box of it anymore. i found drawings of birds i made. 

i dont even feel like a girl or a person or anything. and liz told me that if i want to die then i shouldnt care i should just do everything. she told me i also have a really deep want for attention from people and i really appreiate friendship more than most people. 

it is really good to hear these things about yourself because i always just see myself as a monster that noone ever likes but its not really true. 

i think im going to move away or go to a school out of state. i need to start over.