desiderata

if there is one thing i can accomplish in life is to see and think of the world in a childish way again.

i would like to be something like lizzie's mom, or anyone else i feel is truly happy and can be nice to everyone. my mom is unhappy but i would also like to be something like her. she has made it through everything with the glass half empty perspective but i think she can still feel love and emotion and want to see me and everyone else happy. she lets me do what I want truly even if she tells me she doesnt want me to do something in the end she lets me make a choice. i want to be something like all of my friends they all have something so unique about them it amazes me every time i think about them. I love them all so much and I feel guilty because even though they love me i still feel so lonely all of the time. i used to be able to be just with myself, in fact i was really good at it. there is no peace within myself, yet i think i am farther than i have ever been from giving up. that is the only rule i would change in the laws of existence to be utimately alone. i can deal with dying, freedom, and meaninglessness.

-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --
Not "Found in Old St. Paul's Church"! -- see below

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

everybodys free

this for some reason was really interesting to me. i dont like the song part but i liked what its saying because i am already starting to see some of it happen.

the 90s were so fucking good lol.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfq_A8nXMsQ&feature=PlayList&p=216B3EC392E1B12B&playnext_from=PL&index=0&playnext=1

BEST DREAM EVER

i think it was the full moon last night but i had a dream about leaving college.

i woke up my friend who looked like a bunch of people i knew all rolled up into one person, he started typing nonsense to people on my screen name and they believed it was me and he made actual dilemmas in their lives. then we promised to be homeless, and i draped a giant orange blanket around my head and started shouting words at this girl who i always see in class.

then i walked downtown.

and went into duquense.then we had a slinky and i threw it and he got caught in it and started dancing then threw up everywhere and everyone became panicked and started running around asking WHO THE FUCK IS THAT? and the crowd got bigger and there was more throw up and then everything become technicolor and i ran into the bathroom where everyone was naked but in a plastic way. they gave me a letter to get out, but I wouldnt leave so they all got really freaked out and i could see their words in second grade cursive over their heads.

I eventually left with one leg, and had to drive back to my house but couldnt brake because I lost my leg. I cant remember the rest but I feel the moon did this.

weired experiences of death, and dissecting life

i kind of want to dissect things. its kind of been this fucked up hobby in the back of my head since i was a kid.

when i was about 7 or 8 my friend came over for my birthday party and she asked me where my bird went and i said it died. she then said the magic words "lets dig it up and see what it looks like".

i guess it is kind of weired to think about now, but it was interesting. then we started getting really into ghosts and the dead and tried to have a senance in my backyard behind one of my huge trees. we lit a candle and sat on these rocks. i guess that is kind of where i started to like the idea of death, and ghosts or whatever.

i also killed my goldfish when i was two because of my neighbors curiousity of what would happen if you put it in the sun. so thats what happened to my pets, and how easily im influnenced lol.

I feel like i have had the same general personaility since forever, I do not know if other people feel that they too have almost been the same person their entire lives but it is kind of strange. I guess I am not looking at my self in those time periods but imagining myself now in those times. but I feel i never really acted how other people acted, people seemed to be busy always to me, not in the sense of never having time but busy like they never had really long time periods by themselves, like they have always had friends. busy doing nothing, i do not have comfort in that in anymore. I know I have changed as a person because of time and experiences but I feel everyone has a consistent essense about them that stays with them their entire lives that never goes away.

i can pick people out just by their writing, walking, anything because people are really individual in that way but also the same.

...............yeah

independancy

what i have liked and hated about my self is my sense of being dependent and independent.

i have weired relationships that are kind of both. I depend on people maybe just to fill something, but i feel detached in the kind of way I dont want to talk about. I feel everyone is also detached from me in the kind of way I dont want to talk about.

I wish I could describe it but it sounds inhuman and kind of not really talked about. haha but ive have gotten over most things except for this, this wall maybe it is there forever where you can just know someone and they wont care about anything, or when your not just mature happy but just happy. independently happy. going from town to town happy. or dependently happy.

ok im not independent in the full sense and I do not like that I might not be because of loans and school and that pisses me off. Im mad that I got sucked into this I really should have taken a year off.ok. im going to say it school was not for me, not at this time. maybe not ever.

sex is not for me. not this time. maybe not ever. the life i created for my self so far is not for me. not ever.

i did kind of a shitty job at realizing i make all of this up. that im a real person, and that things are not just floating around they are kind of real. and maybe i still do not believe that they are real and i do not think i will be convinced fully.

i think i have been convinced that it is worth sticking around for even if i just constantly float though life and never find anything. if i feel depressed and if i feel happy its all momentarily and it goes away. i do not understand how people get angry or even can do emotions any more once you figure out that secret. yeah i figure out secrets sometimes about life. i think that is what im mostly feeling like a weired kind of busy, happy, blah, i dontwanttofeelanything kind of feeling.

and connections only make sense when the person is there. and i dont know if ill ever have that again. with the way i have changed and the way i am with people and just the way things are in general i just do not know. it really has to be the right place and the right time, or ill never get into it im not even in reality so it is going to take a lot and no effort will come from me. it does not fit my path i feel any ways since i want to just up and leave any place i go soon.

yeah i think it scares a lot of people when they feel they will not find that connection ever again well why would you just leave it because it makes sense doesnt it? because your both different people.

im just going to be water in this life because everything else is impossible.

i almost did not understand anything for a while today. but liz kind of explained it, there is a domino effect so maybe everything is real and everything we do affects the next thing that comes our way. or are things meant to happen no matter what? no control but surprised at least. i want to explain this in the way i feel it. this is your book or movie or whatever, you come here your set in the place your suppose to be you try to choose what you want but whatever is picked is picked and you are made to in a way. this is restlessness, the part where you feel helpless because you want a different thing but your not allowed, or it could be the other way your not on the right way for you not that your meant to do it or anything it just doesnt feel right.

yeah. no. yeah. i dont know. things in my life feel to concidental to not be picked beforehand by myself? is that right, yeah other people get it too. but right now it feels up in the air like i stopped picking at this point and its not written out. yeah that is exacctly how i feel, im so glad i could get that written out. now im just picking whatever in this real reality and not in the spiritual reality where i picked the other stuff. this probably sounds really stupid but if it makes sense then it obviously happened to you too. if it hasnt then do this. review your life in a really strange way, like your 20 year old self meeting your 10 year old counterpart, or your friends a few years ago. or look at good years and bad years and how they counteracted, how you acted, your idenity how you dressed and felt. it makes sense right well maybe this is my weired metaphor of maturing. but i dont know if i want it, theres no magic or im not creating it anymore. like i dont know how to warp these times, or what to be obsessed with hahaha.

ill figure it out though because i finally said what i wanted to. its strange that simple paragraph was hard to put in words. i

loss of interest in everything.
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ahahahaahahahahahaahah screammmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate when i notice im wearing my "adult suit" or whatever i swear to god it just pops up out of nowhere one day when your like 18 and you just ignore it and then it just comes back every once in a while. its going to become full on one day and that is the day im hitchhiking with nothing but a ridicilous outfit telling everyone im leaving and never coming back.

i slept outside the other day accidently. i drank too much grape vodka and fell asleep saying something about the moon or something to liz. it was really nice though sleeping outside without anything even a tent is very freeing if winter didnt exist i would do it then too.

days have been really strange.

there is this giant gap between people i feel very distant and i do not realy know how to change it because it feels strange either way.

i was kind of thinking of doing an eternal sunshine of the spotless mind thing with some people and writing my memories out about them and putting it somewhere so it doesnt keep popping up in my head. i think i dont know how to move forward from some time periods in my life so im literally going to move and put my thoughts away somewhere.

but i was just thinking about how well everything really is arranged like i always think 100 years to live is a long time but its also short. how we came to be, and the people we meet, and i always want it to be different but i still dont know in what way and i could probably not come up with a better solution. language is perfect, math is perfect, art is perfect. nature is perfect. noone could ever come up with a better way because they never saw a better way. so this is probably the best.

i think im going to be deleting this blog. its really self centered, and depressing which kind of describes all of my sophormore years of my life. so hopefully i can break the cycle i some how create every four years.

this is what i love about psychology

"No man and no destiny can be compared to any other man or any other destiny. no situation repeats itself, each situation called for a different response. Sometimes man may be required simply to accept fate, to bear his cross. Every situation is distinguished by its uniqueness, and there is always one right answer to the problem posed by the situation at hand."- Viktor Frankl

when ever guest speakers would come to school i would listen to them and forget them right away. i never felt i could relate to them. they were wiser and stronger than me, thats kind of how i feel i will always feel. he inst a guest speaker but something we are reading in class but he also talked about what i just talked about except with movies.

just in case anyone ever wondered here is what i look like on the street.

not really but i found these earrings my old neighbor nancy gave me, i guess she thought i was going to turn out different

how i put everything off until the last minute and how i get away with doing nothing i beyond me.

trying to read a how section of readings the night before i have to turn a paper in is ridicilous. but thats beside the point. the weeks coming up are very important for me, i am getting very nervous and almost dont know what to do.

but i know how to control my thoughts in a way now, atleast i think i do, its like ive been given antidepressants but they are definity natural. however im still not in that "happy" state. i talked to my friend about this, i told him how hard it is, i know we are all fighting for it. its the number one goal to achieve.

there are so many ways i could take my life though. i could just throw school all away and try to live in the forest.

i could finish school and go to grad school and be a psychologist

i could be an artist

i could get a sex change

i could move to austraila

i could move to any place thats warm or awesome

i could stay here

i could become a buddist

i could get knocked up

i could write

anything really.

who knows. all i can do is be here today and stop wishing that things could have been different

omg whoever wrote this you have no idea how good this made me feel.
connections are a big deal for me and this made me really excited. i gasped and i never do that
i wrote one for sam's grad project too i really like her idea.


















////

but i'll update some of my life
right now im playing the waiting game with Temple, 4 more weeks and ill know!
unless they are really slow.
i think im going to get my nose pierced again, and my ears are at a 12 but i want them much bigger.
the deli is cool i like the people i work with they are really nice and helpful. the stories they tell me are going to stay with me forever they are that interesting. however foodland is really tight knit so its alittle awkward.
i got my permit renewed, this time no fucking around. i need it if im moving.
i totally fucked up my spanish 2 midterm because im an ass and wait until the last minute to do anything.
well its not the most descriptive or deep post but those are sure to come.

the most lovely story told by a bakery worker

he told me that he used to jump off of walmart roofs and got his first tatto in a basement.he lived in somerset county and would sit at road side restaurants and buy coffee and smoke cigarettes and talk to truckers for days on end. there is nothing to do there until you get a car, and then you make your own fun. he showed me a very uneven skull with a hat on it on his arm. because it was hard core.
but then when he turned 18 he met an exchange student who transfered in his senior year in highschool. She was from berlin, germany and was going back. so he bought a ticket and a passport. his parents wanted him to go to school but he said this was more important. he chased her around europe for three years, until she realized what she was doing also. they moved back to pittsburgh got married, and now she has her green card and goes to school here. the was 7 years ago he said.
well are you and your wife going to be crazy again after she done with school?
i dont know if we will anymore, i think i need to go to school also.
but maybe we will move to the country, because all these fuckers shoplift here.
i bought a shot gun for my house.

im not going to lie even though i really would like to die all of the time, i wont and im not really sure why. i feel like i might never get anywhere or achieve anything or show people love or get love back. i can always feel meaningless or meaningful depending on my mood. i have too much time alone. im completely depressed and completely manic at the same time.

ive been in my room for the whole day its like im afraid to talk to anyone or go anywhere, its fucking ridicilous. i slept though periods of the day and woke up angry flopping around on my bed throwing my pillows and sheets trying to rip them for a few minutes then staring at the ceiling for another few minutes. i get like this, like im trapped when im really not, spinning shit around. letting go of memories and people and then eventually places.

look i just want help or answers here,fuck i already degrade myself so much on here.

i know noone knows but it seems noone is freaking out as bad, or they know what to do, so what do you do?

im not sure what the lessons of my life are, and that might be why i feel so meaningless.

im trying to find meaning a goal, but i just find that my interests are confusing.

//////

Albert Camus believed that all of us ware like Sisyphus. We fill each day with meaningless tasks, only to repeat them the next day – so on and so on, day after day, month after month, year after year. Are we any different from Sisyphus and his boulder? How can this sort of absurd existenc have meaning?

If this is all there is to life, why don't we just kill ourselves? Camus summed up the problem concisely: "There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide."

the only thing that kills me is if everyone is right about me.

and that ive never had all the things i think i have, and if its way different than i thought.

miles to go before i sleep (thoughts as they come out of my head)

(thoughts)

i dont know how other people feel they relate to people but i feel i only relate to parts of everyone. it makes sense since we all share so much in common but i mean the weired fucked up parts of people are relatable.

*

im so stuck on events and people in my life i dont know what to do, once you let go of one structure of life you create another and its just one big fucking mess until your dead. it will be clear though one day i know it because life was very clear once before. like maybe around 6 or 7 i remember turning 8 and 9 pissed me off, so it wasnt as clear then. i hid under my desk and gave my toys away to lizzie and that is what im doing all over again. its like suicide without the suicide.

*

i can be whoever i want to be from day to day and i do that a lot. and i dont just change from group to group. i wont say everything i want to say because once i give it all up i have nothing left.

*

just stop it or say it

*

JUST STOP

*

bipolar starts here->

ok its all ok yeah im going to do that or maybe this

*

Mania

ok im great its fine i found gum i can chew for 8 hours at work or i can just go back here and wash dishes so i dont have to talk to people or interact

*

OK I CAN WATCH THIS AND THAT WILL DISTRACT ME, ill make tea! and then ill do that maybe this

*

haha inst the sun amazing its a wonder that im alive and that we are all here i mean i could be dead, im so lucky! im going to go walk around

3 hours later

i need a light box

you will you will you will you will

i dont know why old school bright eyes songs remind me of my childhood. i never listened to those songs then. i like how he desrcibes things though maybe he describes more of the transition stages than childhood i dont he does both,whatever.

i listened to 90s depressing songs when i was a kid in my bath tub with crayons that could work with water. i didnt like getting out until it became freezing cold. i had weired things and objects that i put around my house and noone would move it.

its really strange im not really depressed, im busy,i feel like telling stories or making myself a myth or something. what do you call that?

i made a mistake

what if you eat shit and dont die.

i like the settings that come with every season.

i could live in all four seasons if they would just rotate every three weeks.

sunlight really plays an effect on all of them.

winter.

you see circle of a sun with a giant white blanket over it. you can acutally stare at it for a bit.even though thats a bad idea. dead trees, dead feelings, but peaceful.i like the layers of clothes, i can enjoy it for the first half. the smell is clear, cold, fresh how spring should be.

spring.

the most disgusting part of the year. its smells are the big turn off for me i dont remember a spring smell i have liked. its my birthday, i can wear jackets, i see some green. i dont feel new i feel worn out, rebirth comes with summer and fall. the sun still has some kind of mist around it, sometimes it very bright, but still not quite strong.

summer.

new feeling, alive for the most part. lazy, water, nakedness. its probably my favorite. i like the mornings and the nights. the afternoons are nice if you are with friends or people. chalk, windows, roofs, grass, trees. being outside all of the time. the beach, smoking, adventures, boredom, good alone time, beams of light coming into windows.

fall.

the lovely time of year. if it were a person the most sexy time. it appeals to all of the senses. unlike spring it does not feel damp, not extremely cold, and not the kind of bright summer is. it has a nice kind of lighting though, especially through leaves in trees, and some windows. its good timing.

well thats my analysis of the seasons, im going to make more of these for other things but they will be better.

cabin fever

starting to feel like the shining

1.

stephanie j. used to put these on her myspace and for some reason i came across this site today.

i shouldn't piece things together so much.

the weried thing about happy is that it can come in different shittier forms. 

maybe im just always hoping for my past to come back to me. but why would i want a repeat of anything.

i just want a repeat of the beach, the beach at night, windows with a nice stream of sun light coming though, blue, skies, water, summer, grass, dirt. 

even though ive had them all before they all look different, i wish i could explain its like i have new eyes, but grayer eyes. i dont know if this happens but it really shouldnt i dont know if this is depression, aging, or sitting in your house for too long.

it makes me want to kill myself but hold on to my life really tight at the same time. i dont want to see any of it go because its all ive known all of my life, but it makes me want to see what else is out there. 

i want every beauitful moment captured every setting i thought was pretty, everyday ive shared with my friends and family. how they used to look and how they look now. how i used to look and how i look now. i hate seeing how much that changed but its progression. i dont mean in the the physical sense people carry around different moods and lights within themselves at least to me.

what ive been doing lately is probably called dissociating. but not like i dont remember what things are, well then again i pretend to not remember what things are so i can feel new or something because im a whiny fuck.  i look at my parents  or i just look at something and everything feels far away like its not mine it never was and it never will be and i start floating it almost feels physical, but its mental and then nothing is real and everything gets really confusing.

this is not a mental problem they do not exist at least not to me but its something everyone gets probably im just not explaining it right. i dont care im not sad im not happy, im not real. it works for now. i dont need any of it none of it affects me i could do anything and not care about what people think. 

"if winter ends"

thought: i was suppose to be apart of another time period future or past.

thought #2 i cant do these stupid journals you ask me to do teacher because everything you say is not focused even when you tell us to just pick one thing

thought#3: this song is really nice now

"give my self three days to feel better or i swear ill drive it off a fucking cliff because if i cant make myself feel better how can i expect anyone else to give a shit and i......

i scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere"

ITS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT hopefully.

my life is coming full circle

some girl wrote that on her facebook so i looked it up. i mean  iknew what it meant but sometimes i like to look shit up especially when im bored.

but i found all of these ancient chinese sayings about zen and the meaning of life. i liked them your just suppose to live life and never think about living life or the meaning of life. im contradicting myself now but the whole thing is a contradiction and my psychology classes are becoming mind fucks.

my teacher is talking about how reality is just your own take on it and i knew that but he started really talking about it like really and i just got wrapped the fuck in. i was staring probably looking like i was stoned but i felt kind of stoned. but we all have to focus thats what he really stated. focus on one thing and really think about it, not obessessing over it but really fully cover ever part of it and your mind with rewire itself and you will not feel so anixous or overwhelmed. two things that describe me.

its really not bad. staying with what you have to do. i did it with my statistics and i feel better even if it is just faking it because i was thinking about what my teacher said. its such a simple concept but im really liking phemonology, and existenialism lately. 

i want to fight someone to the death

fucking blood flying everywhere, but you still live its all ok.

need a fucking punching bag of a person, not abuse because they could do it back.

im fucking 19 i dont know what the hell im doing or what i want but it always seems like everyone else has it, and i dont like them because of it and that makes me a horrible person and i know it.

and i know thats a run on sentence but this is my blog and there are no rules

 even though this blogger is controlled by rules because it is made by the internet and the internet is made by us and we make rules and i want to fuck it all up.

i want to tear apart all of this mess and rebuild it because this inst at all what i wanted, but i made it also so it my fault too.

and noone understands me except for like 5 people maybe and how the fuck am i ever going to do this

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

sex is so fucking stupid! its the last thing on my mind and the first because of this stupid place.

i never thought of it until everyone else did it and i freaked out why was i not a plant in the ground who just needs the sun to fuck because then its not such a big deal. but its makes me mad because im not like everyone else and im not a fucking plant. i just want to feel something,not this flat two dimentional shit.

i plan on doing this one day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7QSkI6My1g

im ready for summer

the first photo is from today and the other is my from one of my first days a duquesne i forgot i had my eyebrow pierced.

i found temporary pink hair dye in my house and did some of my hair i kind of want purple

i should do a hair time line for how much i change my hair

random thoughts for valentines day 2004

its weired how i forgot about everything.

i looked through some of my old entries they do not even feel like myself as i do now.

just another person i was and then threw away, i look back on last year an other years and almost relate to that person and then again not at all.

its either detachment or denial. lack of meaning, not really sure.

never seeing your physical self even though you have been with yourself all your life is strange.

i have a new job im pretty sure, i might go to philadephia to visit, who knows 

i hope working in a deli is entertaining, and i hope philadelphia will be cool. 

wouldnt be surprised

if datoka fanning was my long lost sister

worlds

it is interesting how many worlds a person can make for themselves throughout their lives.

everyone has three worlds co-existing at the same time if not more, but how they can change from day to day and sometimes you can pin point when they change.

everyday you live you are changing from what you learn and see, and its all just crazy i dont even want to understand it anymore im just going to let it rape me.

is this from snow white?

expectations

are a bitch.

your own expectations and others.

like im expected to be skinny,and pretty because im a girl

like fuck i want to maybe or maybe i really dont i dont know! i feel like ive been told to be so many things i dont even know what to be, so ill just be this lump and say funny shit, like stuff and put on makeup or clothes, and talk on the phone. i mean what else is there, we took away hunting,sewing clothes, and other old time things for facebook and phones and other shit.

like i wish one of the givens of existence wasnt to be alone. to come in alone and to die alone. like wtf kind of deal is that? 

or that death is certain, we have so much freedom we dont know what to do with it, or that life is meaningless. my existentialism and psychology classes are making me think these theories are true for all i know they might not be things change and i know that might be wiered to think that death might not be certain, or that life might not be meaningless but what if we one day realize these theories arent real or atleast arent entirely true? 

we are always trying to make so much sense and order of things we are eventually just going to one day figure out that something we believed for so long inst true and its going to be big and we are going to be scared but maybe we knew all along.

YEP

my mind is blank, i made it that way, i like it that way, i think its better.
anytime i think i see a conflict or too much of anything coming up i shut it down.
this works for the time being.

my conversation with liz last night was good, however she explained that i was always an angry child because i would laugh at road kill, or talk about cutting things off of people because i didnt like them.

she said i was really preocupied with things other kids werent and i want to get to the bottom of this mystery. what the fuck made me this way? i want to know because at least i could stop feeling like there is some great secret that will unlock great things for me or atleast some kind of understanding.

and it was way before fourth grade or middle school so those years did not create this. i dont feel real or attached like all this shit could just go up into smoke but im not really scared of it. i think of my mom and my dad and then i start thinking well how am i here, and i try to think of there lives before me, and toher peoples lives and my grand parents lives and how honestly strange people look when they are just walking alone with there clothes and their ipods and how strange that would seem to someone who never saw this earth's culture before. and how weired we all get and primitive, and why it all matters and doesnt at the same time. i just dont understand it. i feel like there is some big meaning behind all of this, but then i see things that also tell me there really inst.

why would whoever made us conduct the same experiment again and again? cant they figure us out if they made us?

funny

stuff.

well i started school and thats fun i guess.

spanish II, statistics,medievil philosophy,and psychology classes.

so far i applied to two places to get a job, but who knows.

i am stealing internet right now, and thinking of all the things i can look at now before it goes away.

i want to go find some ghosts

LULZ

im QUITTING
im changing all this shit up

OCD

i think only children all have it.
im never letting my kid be the only one
i think i want to study them because ive noticed a pattern
oh and i start school tommorrow.

one of my friends from duquesne is an only child and he constantly obsesses over certain things in the way i do.
he is not sure if he wants to leave duquesne or go to laroche and its all he talks about.

its different from other people
i think this is because we did this when we were younger, at least i know i did.
i would find something and it was all i could think about.

lately i have been doing this with trying to get my licence. i make whatever i want my entire life.
i then become detached from everything else, i can literally forget everything.

then i will think things i do help me get to the goal that have nothing to do with it, such as listening to a certain song, walking on certain things, ect. its absolutely ridicilous but i really do think it works.

but any ways that is all for today

waking up sleeping in

when i wake up im really disoriented and dizzy.
i flip around alot in my sleep so im really restless so not enough sleep would do this, even though im sure i sleep maybe i just close my eyes and dont think but im still awake?

this shit is funny.

i like all the ideas i come up with but i dont do them

that shit is funny.

whateva....

i think i have alot of anger issues i never sorted out

when im really pissed i can feel it in the back of my eyes

and my whole head burns its like a fever and a headache but no pain

and i could fucking bite through anyone but i dont say shit, i just seeth and its hilarious
but it makes me feel im going to really snap one of these days

bottling anger up is probably on of the worst things to do, especially against plans that you make up yourself or people or anything really.

but i dont really have rage i just want to fucking snap people in half, or just watch everything burn, or be flooded just for a second then i would take it back if i could.

500 days of nothing lol

ill fall in love when im older.

its not my time. not yet.

im not suppose to die yet.

or live yet.

or have what i want yet.

it will fall into place, once i find that magically zen that everyone finds eventually.

what i think everyone has around me doesnt exist or is more exaggarated in my brain because i make up stories to make my self feel bad?

i think i have all of these bad qualities, but i dont?

everything is a question?

ok im done.

anyways goodbye 2009

my first few moments were drinking on a couch watching tv with 4 friends from different places.

this sesmester coming up with bring difference and change