Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
FREEDOM
i read on some website the only way to be truely free is to love yourself and love everyone unconditionally no matter what they say or do.
its really hard because that is true love. because if you look around we set all kinds of conditions onto ourselves and everyone.
saying to ourselves: if i do this i will like my self,she or he should do this for me, i cant believe he or she did that, ect... there are so many expectations
you have to care and see that everything is meaningful, what you do effects everything. you have to live in the present, living in the present is one of the hardest at least for me.
i think that is why we made up the concept of God. to have something to believe in. to believe that someone loves us unconditionally, because once someone does it gives you the motiviation to want to do it also. im not saying hes not real, i just think we had to make it more of a person something we could relate to.
its really hard because that is true love. because if you look around we set all kinds of conditions onto ourselves and everyone.
saying to ourselves: if i do this i will like my self,she or he should do this for me, i cant believe he or she did that, ect... there are so many expectations
you have to care and see that everything is meaningful, what you do effects everything. you have to live in the present, living in the present is one of the hardest at least for me.
i think that is why we made up the concept of God. to have something to believe in. to believe that someone loves us unconditionally, because once someone does it gives you the motiviation to want to do it also. im not saying hes not real, i just think we had to make it more of a person something we could relate to.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
the only drugs
i feel comfortable doing are downers and usually from my own supply.
last year at this very time, i was trying to do every single drug i could possibly find.
anything that anyone gave me i would do.
the first person i ever did a different drug other than weed with was mallory
i wokred with her for some time until we finally decided to talk, and then we decided to hang out.
i remember the first few conversations we had,
what book are you reading-me
oh its about eating disorders-mallory
the next few days
so where do you go to school?-mallory
duquesne, you?
i go to pitt, but slyvia told me you used to go to capa
yea i did
i used to go there until they took me away in handcuffs out the front door
slowly i learned more and more about her life and i was captivated. she lived the craziest life of a 20 year old of a person i actually knew and didnt just read in some book. she had been to jail, she had been homeless, and she had basically lived the life of someone twice her age.
the whole summer before mallory began working at the library i read about thirty books in three months. most were about drugs, people doing them, life and death.
all things i was obsessed with last year.
so i went to my first rave with her and took ecstacy, and riddlin for the first time.
the second ecstacy and weed
the third i went with juliet and introduced her to raves and ecstacy
by this time i had tried other things, i was on klonopin for aniexty, tried shrooms, coke, and other various pills.
but i can say honestly it was one of the more exciting years of my life.
i saw a comletely different underground culture that i didnt know existed such as ravers.
so it was definity interesting, i dont know if ill ever do it exactly like that again, but who knows.
last year at this very time, i was trying to do every single drug i could possibly find.
anything that anyone gave me i would do.
the first person i ever did a different drug other than weed with was mallory
i wokred with her for some time until we finally decided to talk, and then we decided to hang out.
i remember the first few conversations we had,
what book are you reading-me
oh its about eating disorders-mallory
the next few days
so where do you go to school?-mallory
duquesne, you?
i go to pitt, but slyvia told me you used to go to capa
yea i did
i used to go there until they took me away in handcuffs out the front door
slowly i learned more and more about her life and i was captivated. she lived the craziest life of a 20 year old of a person i actually knew and didnt just read in some book. she had been to jail, she had been homeless, and she had basically lived the life of someone twice her age.
the whole summer before mallory began working at the library i read about thirty books in three months. most were about drugs, people doing them, life and death.
all things i was obsessed with last year.
so i went to my first rave with her and took ecstacy, and riddlin for the first time.
the second ecstacy and weed
the third i went with juliet and introduced her to raves and ecstacy
by this time i had tried other things, i was on klonopin for aniexty, tried shrooms, coke, and other various pills.
but i can say honestly it was one of the more exciting years of my life.
i saw a comletely different underground culture that i didnt know existed such as ravers.
so it was definity interesting, i dont know if ill ever do it exactly like that again, but who knows.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
if you do everything wrong
your eventually going to do something right, right?
i have a lot of insecuities, but if you just tell yourself that you love yourself you can fake it until you make it right?
i cant wait for 2010, 2009 was a year of death.
im just saying FUCK IT
im too young, and too old to be caring about this shit
i have a lot of insecuities, but if you just tell yourself that you love yourself you can fake it until you make it right?
i cant wait for 2010, 2009 was a year of death.
im just saying FUCK IT
im too young, and too old to be caring about this shit
Friday, December 18, 2009
MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL
sometimes i think i used to be one haha.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manic_Pixie_Dream_Girl
which mean i basically had no brain
but it is kind of funny.
i dunno what happened but i miss being different old lisa's if that makes any sense
every year i hate the new lisa more, and think about the year before this one.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manic_Pixie_Dream_Girl
which mean i basically had no brain
but it is kind of funny.
i dunno what happened but i miss being different old lisa's if that makes any sense
every year i hate the new lisa more, and think about the year before this one.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
oh i work myself up
my stomach and neck are always in knots.
i want someone to just fucking untie all this shit.
if people thought of me as much as i thought of them the world would never fucking move or progress.
it would be the most retarded world ever.
i got guitar hero.
i dont need to leave my house for quite some time.
i want someone to just fucking untie all this shit.
if people thought of me as much as i thought of them the world would never fucking move or progress.
it would be the most retarded world ever.
i got guitar hero.
i dont need to leave my house for quite some time.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
there are some people
that arent bothered if noone likes them.
then there are the others....
im making a club, ive decided
i always wanted to make an organization but im not very organized so it would probably fail
i also always say things im going to do and then never do them
the QUEEN OF FALSE HOPE.
people who say noone likes them usually have alot of people who like them but they dont try.
thoughts keep looping thoughts keep looping thoughts keep looping thoughts keep looping
and i have the fucking battle with my mind all FUCKING DAY AND I WANT IT TO STOP AND JUST WHEN I CANT TAKE THE SHIT ANYMORE i find a ritual. ocd? am i obsessive? am i in love with beating myself up? is this why noone likes me? they cant take my questions? am i obsessive? is it bad to be so hard on yourself? noone likes me? how much do i annoy them with my thoughts?
ENDLESS FUCKING QUESTIONS REPHRASED ALL FUCKING DAY!
welcome to the fucking organization i madeee!!!! we all fucking hate you and love you and ill be euthatistic and tell you your clothes look nice. and ill wear my hair all crazy but not dye it orange or blue so i dont go too much into character.
wheres my MEDICINE!!!! give it to meeeeeeeeeeeee
they all know im living in my head, you got to call the ambulance im dying! i just want to ride in an ambulance, i just want someone to tell me im ok who is professional, they know what to look for. they are nice. they talk to you. they dont really believe you, they think your just another fucked up kid but they pretend to be your best friend, call you sweetie. you have friends!
your not alone again talking to your mom at work in your doorway freaking out, telling her about an invisble person choking you.
one day ill going to turn it all around, it doesnt happen this way. noone would live this long if it did.
i just need techniques, trick my coniousness,WHO IS A FUCKING BITCH, into thinking nice things
i dont remeber how i did it before. maybe getting really fed up with everything? get angry? should i get some anger issues? i never went down that route before, where i just fuck everything up by tearing it apart.
then there are the others....
im making a club, ive decided
i always wanted to make an organization but im not very organized so it would probably fail
i also always say things im going to do and then never do them
the QUEEN OF FALSE HOPE.
people who say noone likes them usually have alot of people who like them but they dont try.
thoughts keep looping thoughts keep looping thoughts keep looping thoughts keep looping
and i have the fucking battle with my mind all FUCKING DAY AND I WANT IT TO STOP AND JUST WHEN I CANT TAKE THE SHIT ANYMORE i find a ritual. ocd? am i obsessive? am i in love with beating myself up? is this why noone likes me? they cant take my questions? am i obsessive? is it bad to be so hard on yourself? noone likes me? how much do i annoy them with my thoughts?
ENDLESS FUCKING QUESTIONS REPHRASED ALL FUCKING DAY!
welcome to the fucking organization i madeee!!!! we all fucking hate you and love you and ill be euthatistic and tell you your clothes look nice. and ill wear my hair all crazy but not dye it orange or blue so i dont go too much into character.
wheres my MEDICINE!!!! give it to meeeeeeeeeeeee
they all know im living in my head, you got to call the ambulance im dying! i just want to ride in an ambulance, i just want someone to tell me im ok who is professional, they know what to look for. they are nice. they talk to you. they dont really believe you, they think your just another fucked up kid but they pretend to be your best friend, call you sweetie. you have friends!
your not alone again talking to your mom at work in your doorway freaking out, telling her about an invisble person choking you.
one day ill going to turn it all around, it doesnt happen this way. noone would live this long if it did.
i just need techniques, trick my coniousness,WHO IS A FUCKING BITCH, into thinking nice things
i dont remeber how i did it before. maybe getting really fed up with everything? get angry? should i get some anger issues? i never went down that route before, where i just fuck everything up by tearing it apart.
Friday, December 11, 2009
you know whats sick
i think i dont know who im suppose to be anymore.
usually i find good characters to imiate and put my own personality into but lately ive been searching for a new one because they get old
like lux lisbon, or clementine krunsinki. im a fraud and its the only thing im good at.
maybe its fucked up that i pretend to be these girls but i guess they are the people i want to be because they arent real and not being real appeals to me.
i thought things were going my way for a second but it looks like i have to put more effort and hard work into what ever im trying to do.
what if i fail, well i guess its better than not trying right, anything is better than that.
however i hate looking stupid, but im so good at it.
people can just sense how fucking retarded im being and it makes me nervous and never want to do anyhting again except destroy my temporal part of my brain and fuck up my memory.
my brain is one giant loop and its always thinking. first its positive and then all of a sudden the negative thought comes in right a way and i have a huge battle the rest of the day, that is how all of my days starts and ends and im looking for that to stop. i need it to stop and this is the only reason why i want to kill myself sometimes it because it never fucking stops.
when i was really happy about life and crap, nothing brought me down until external forces did. now its myself. the last person i have to tell off.
i thought everyone liked me and that noone was bothered by me and i could ask them whatever i wanted and say whatever i wanted look how i wanted.
and now for some reason it all fucking matters. except it doesnt and i really should learn from my old self. it should be the opposite way around by some how i progressed into a shitty crazy fucked up person.
i should just keep telling myself what i did back then.
NONE OF THIS SHIT MATTERS.
noone cares and noones opinon matters.
do you really want to keep being who you were? no well then fix it, do whatever it takes to make yourself different and happy.
so i did.
i was persistent
i didnt give a shit.
if everyhting is not going to matter then what the hell why are we all stuck in this weired shit where we think we cant do anyhting?
usually i find good characters to imiate and put my own personality into but lately ive been searching for a new one because they get old
like lux lisbon, or clementine krunsinki. im a fraud and its the only thing im good at.
maybe its fucked up that i pretend to be these girls but i guess they are the people i want to be because they arent real and not being real appeals to me.
i thought things were going my way for a second but it looks like i have to put more effort and hard work into what ever im trying to do.
what if i fail, well i guess its better than not trying right, anything is better than that.
however i hate looking stupid, but im so good at it.
people can just sense how fucking retarded im being and it makes me nervous and never want to do anyhting again except destroy my temporal part of my brain and fuck up my memory.
my brain is one giant loop and its always thinking. first its positive and then all of a sudden the negative thought comes in right a way and i have a huge battle the rest of the day, that is how all of my days starts and ends and im looking for that to stop. i need it to stop and this is the only reason why i want to kill myself sometimes it because it never fucking stops.
when i was really happy about life and crap, nothing brought me down until external forces did. now its myself. the last person i have to tell off.
i thought everyone liked me and that noone was bothered by me and i could ask them whatever i wanted and say whatever i wanted look how i wanted.
and now for some reason it all fucking matters. except it doesnt and i really should learn from my old self. it should be the opposite way around by some how i progressed into a shitty crazy fucked up person.
i should just keep telling myself what i did back then.
NONE OF THIS SHIT MATTERS.
noone cares and noones opinon matters.
do you really want to keep being who you were? no well then fix it, do whatever it takes to make yourself different and happy.
so i did.
i was persistent
i didnt give a shit.
if everyhting is not going to matter then what the hell why are we all stuck in this weired shit where we think we cant do anyhting?
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Synchronicity
in which the White Queen says to Alice: "It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards".[
blonde skinny catholic girls
i saw one today.
its like the virgin suicides which im obsessed with for some reason
they usually have boob lenght blonde german hair
conservitive clothes with a tiny gold cross necklace.
and talk really sweet about nothing in particular and have this really empty sad look.
its so plain and virginal i cant take it.
for some reason these girls stand out to me.
the farther away from weired you are the wiereder you look
its like the virgin suicides which im obsessed with for some reason
they usually have boob lenght blonde german hair
conservitive clothes with a tiny gold cross necklace.
and talk really sweet about nothing in particular and have this really empty sad look.
its so plain and virginal i cant take it.
for some reason these girls stand out to me.
the farther away from weired you are the wiereder you look
me juliet the mouse and everyone we know
yesterday was a fucking good day.
i felt the same way as juliet, that i was the better part of me yesterday.
i usually just feel like dying at any giving moment during the day but not yesterday.
i cant believe that there can be so maybe levels of a person but there is.
i usually just think that people are just being the emotion of what happened to them but there is much more.
i have the mouse in my basement because my mom is scared of him and thinks hes ugly and gray. but me and my dad like him we feed him crackers and cheese.
i think we are going t okeep him a secret from my mom but she might find out.
consciedence
i felt the same way as juliet, that i was the better part of me yesterday.
i usually just feel like dying at any giving moment during the day but not yesterday.
i cant believe that there can be so maybe levels of a person but there is.
i usually just think that people are just being the emotion of what happened to them but there is much more.
i have the mouse in my basement because my mom is scared of him and thinks hes ugly and gray. but me and my dad like him we feed him crackers and cheese.
i think we are going t okeep him a secret from my mom but she might find out.
consciedence
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
________________
it is weired to feel like you have a memory of dying?
or a memory of flying around your living room?
i think i have those
unless someone talked me into believing i had them when i was young
i think alot of people have tricked me into believing a lot of false memories
i feel ignored
when i do nothing i feel remembered
I WANT TO SMASH MY HEAD WITH ANYTHING
until all the axons and dendrites come out and i kill that little shit over thinking part of my brain and i am at peace and happy again
or a memory of flying around your living room?
i think i have those
unless someone talked me into believing i had them when i was young
i think alot of people have tricked me into believing a lot of false memories
i feel ignored
when i do nothing i feel remembered
I WANT TO SMASH MY HEAD WITH ANYTHING
until all the axons and dendrites come out and i kill that little shit over thinking part of my brain and i am at peace and happy again
Monday, December 7, 2009
connections
sometimes i think things are more than a conscidence
now more than ever
if i keep getting older i dont know what other things ill find
i cant believe people actually live this long and longer
someone must have felt what i have already
19 years is very short but think of 40 how do people come to terms with it
what is the secret?
now more than ever
if i keep getting older i dont know what other things ill find
i cant believe people actually live this long and longer
someone must have felt what i have already
19 years is very short but think of 40 how do people come to terms with it
what is the secret?
philadelphia and newyork 69th post ha
i actually thought philadelphia was very beauitful and so was newyork once again. it was snowing and hailing at one point but i looked up and all the lights kind of worked with it at one point while we were looking for lizzys mom and emily and i liked it. even if everyone else was really pissed off. we spent about five to six hours in newyork and then got on a bus once again. i liked seeing lizzy. something about her makes me so happy its unbelievable. she really does like people in the best of ways. but she really knows how to make you feel stupid and sometimes feel bad about yourself also.
and i think me and my mom got along also. i always think she is fucking with me but sometimes she really inst. i have a bunch of crap to do for school and it sucks.
but for the most part i dont really know what to do. a bunch of people are making me nervous, and i dont know how to explain it.
everyone is understanding things, but its all backwards or something. i dont know what im seeing or trying to explain.
and i think me and my mom got along also. i always think she is fucking with me but sometimes she really inst. i have a bunch of crap to do for school and it sucks.
but for the most part i dont really know what to do. a bunch of people are making me nervous, and i dont know how to explain it.
everyone is understanding things, but its all backwards or something. i dont know what im seeing or trying to explain.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
home
it felt good to be home
and not on a train for 9 hours
i think my brain exploded and imploded all at the same time
school tommorrow
im really interested though in how things are working
backwards almost. for everyone
if anyone understands what im talking about just say so
im so tired so im just going to talk about nothing
things feel so fake like i just made them all up and they do what i tell them to do or not to do
or that there is a million things i know but i wont let myself know or say out loud because i think it will all go away in an instant
just grab onto the ground because i feel like im being ripped away constantly
like i know im going to blink and nothing will be there and i knew it and its not shocking like everything is telling me to think
working backwards or knowing something or seeing something or smelling something from the past is just confusing its the ultimate plan to fuck us to make us never figure anything out
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
lol
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: R
You: R
You: R
You: R
You: R
You: R
You: R
You: R
You: R
You: R
You: U
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You: U
You: THERE
Stranger: yes
You: O
Stranger: sorry
You: C
You: C
You: C
You: C
You: DDD
Stranger: checking something
You: IS A BITCH
Stranger: ok
You have disconnected.
3344 users online
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You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: HEY YOU STUPID WHORE
Stranger: :(
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Stranger: son, i am dissapoint.
You: i wear the pants
Stranger: THEN HOW AM I ON COMPUTER?
You: you wear the skirt
You: HOW THE FUCK AM I
Stranger: WIMMENS DON'T EXIST ON INTERNET.
You: ?
You: YEAH THEY DO
Stranger: ohhh you're so out of touch with the memes.
Stranger: so out of touch.
You: whats those
Stranger: i shun you, pants wearer.
You: answer me when im talking to you
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You: im going to slap you
You: silly
Stranger: JUST BECAUSE YOU BEAT YOUR WIFE AND DAUGHTER, DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN BEAT ME.
You: WAP
You: WAP
Stranger: YOU MANSLUT.
You: WAP
You: WAP
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You: actually im a 19 year old girl
Stranger: ha! i'm 18.
Stranger: i win.
You: no
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Stranger: because you're old.
You: BUT I DO HAVE A WIFE
You: they wont let me go
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You: im not old
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You: am i wrinkling
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Stranger: a little.
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Stranger: IT
Stranger: IT'S OKAY!!
You: 18 YEAR OLDS SUCK MY COCK
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You: fucking new assholes
You: can tear through them
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You: i duno
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You: really why would you
You: i could be a 58 year old man
You: or a tranny
Stranger: YOU LIED
You: NO REALLY IM 19
Stranger: i have very little problems with trannys.
You: i have muliple personailties
Stranger: that made no grammatical sence.
Stranger: me, i mean.
Stranger: ohhhhh.
You: oh really
Stranger: like tara?
You: who is tara
You: who the fuck is tara
Stranger: a character.
You: what
Stranger: on a television show.
You: not her
Stranger: haha, n00b.
Stranger: n00b at life.
Stranger: you.
Stranger: n00b.
You: no i lived in a claset
You: *closet
Stranger: a what?
Stranger: lol
Stranger: lololololol
Stranger: hurr hurr hurr
You: i know im the child called it
Stranger: I HAVE A UNIQUE LAUGH OKAY?
Stranger: you're in the closet?
Stranger: i thought you had a wife.
You: YEAH IM ALSO A LESBIAN
Stranger: LESBIANS ARE PEOPLE TOO, YOU KNOW.
You: she found me along time ago kind of in narina
Stranger: ohhhh.
Stranger: narnia.
You: yeah
Stranger: i've always wanted to holiday there.
You: WELL YOU SHOULD
You: MY WIFE IS THE LION
Stranger: i hear it's ~~~delightful~~~ in summer.
Stranger: OH SHI-
Stranger: YOU MARRIED A LIONESS?
You: yeah
You: but im also a ghost
You: its an unforutate series of events
Stranger: YOU'RE SO UNIQUE.
Stranger: hahaahaha
Stranger: SO MANY LAZYREFERENCES
Stranger: LAZY REFERENCES*
You: lesbian ghost
Stranger: HARRY POTTER.
Stranger: DID IT FOR YOU.
You: look man harry's my brother
You: we live in that closet
Stranger: snape...snape...serverous snape...
Stranger: under the stairs?
You: yeah i made that
Stranger: no doubt.
You: i made that video
Stranger: witty of you.
You: i know right
You: ?
Stranger: you're an international woman of mystery.
You: you want to know why my hairs so big
Stranger: yes.
You: and im a lesbian
Stranger: you know...right.
You: its full of secret
Stranger: IT'S FULL OF SECRETS
Stranger: oh damn.
Stranger: beat me to it.
You: win
Stranger: fail.
You: no
You: so what are you
You: ive been talking about myself
You: cause im fat and i eat so much
You: so im self centered
Stranger: what u want, bb i got it.
You: OHHHHH
You: OHHH *88888*
Stranger: i am a moth.
You: no
Stranger: yes.
You: holycrap
You: how do you type
Stranger: i hover around lights.
Stranger: i have ~mind control.
You: no way
You: what am i thinking about
Stranger: i'm controlling a stupid humanz.
You: right now
Stranger: naww. i only control people.
You: well im kind of a person
Stranger: i'm controlling you right now.
Stranger: you can't feel my penetrating wings though,
Stranger: i'm super powerful.
You: ohhhh its turning me on
Stranger: I INVENTED FACEBOOK.
You: fap fap fap
You: no you didnt
Stranger: OH DEAR.
Stranger: I DID.
You: STFU!
You: i use that everyday
Stranger: i mind controlled the facebook guy.
You: i masterbate with that
Stranger: THEN I CONTROL YOU.
Stranger: YOU SEX FIEND./
You: LIKE MYSPACE NEVER DID IT FOR ME
Stranger: MYSPACE SUCKED,
You: i know
You: jeezz
You: so are you really a man
You: i dont think so
You: your a chick
Stranger: I'M A LADY WHOA WHOA WHOA
You: holy shit
You: do you go to church
You: ive seen you man
Stranger: i'm seriously an 18 year old female.
Stranger: i'm agnostic.
Stranger: but i controlled jesus.
You: your the one that stalked me remeber
Stranger: I AM AN AGNOSTIC MOTH.
You: holy shit
Stranger: AND I CONTROL YOU.
Stranger: AND EVERY FACEBOOK USER EVER.
You: theres a stalker book?
You: no
You: no
You: no
You: no
Stranger: ohhh. so stealing that idea.
You: dont find me
You: my name is lisa
Stranger: besides that's normal facey.
Stranger: i'm tess.
Stranger: OMG LISA SIMPSON?
You: yes
You: srsly
You: happy birthday lisa lisa its your birthday
You: that was written for me
You: thats how special i am
Stranger: wowowwowowow
Stranger: michael jackson loves you.
Stranger: too soon?
You: omg
You: dont make me cry
Stranger: omg.
Stranger: sorry bb.
You: its ok
Stranger: he was a god.
You: i humped his dead corspe
Stranger: ohhhh sexy.
You: i know
Stranger: i made you do that.
Stranger: remember,mind control?
You: can you teach me the secret
Stranger: FEAR ALL MOTHS.
Stranger: pretty much.
Stranger: that.
You: ok
You: ive been afraid of them for a while now
Stranger: oh wow. i've really been working it, then,
Stranger: muh majik is workin'.
You: your kayne west right?
Stranger: and i'm gonna let you finish...
You: holy shit
You: because im taylor swift
Stranger: IF KANYE STOLE THE MICROPHONE CAN YOU~ TAY TAY~ REALLY BE "SWIFT".
You: no wonder you made me cry 5 SECONDS AGO
Stranger: lawl.
You: oh when your 15 and someone tells you they love you
Stranger: NOOOOOO
Stranger: BROTHER NOOOOO
You: LIKE THAT TAWT OF A JONAS BORTHER
Stranger: ew ew ew
You: ifcuked him real good
Stranger: ohhhhh
Stranger: spicy
Stranger: oogly.
You: haha
You: oogly?
Stranger: yeah, bro.
Stranger: :DDDDD
You: i dont know what you mean
Stranger: like 'icky',
Stranger: YOUR DIALECT IS WEIRD.
Stranger: AND I DON'T LIKE IT
Stranger: crazy yanks.
You: WHAT
You: FUCK THAT
You: WHERE ARE YOU FROM
Stranger: you speak a funny brand of english.
You: YOU FUCKING FOREIGNER
You: im blow your shit up
Stranger: AUSTRALIA: HOME OF BOREDOM.
Stranger: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Stranger: ha, you must be a yank then!
You: ITS ALREADY SHIT
You: ILL FUCK IT
Stranger: boom baby.
Stranger: WER U FRUM?
You: AMERIKA
Stranger: HAHA. I WIN.
You: how did you know
You: do i talk black
Stranger: i'm magic.
Stranger: omg. ~racism~
Stranger: sparkles.
You: you knew i was a black person
You: a black lesbian ghost
Stranger: i thought you were white?
You: no i am
Stranger: YOU SEEM WHITE OKAY?
You: im just kidding
You: how do i seem white
You: that sucks
Stranger: you confuse my small moth brain.
Stranger: you're not cool enough to be black?
Stranger: sorry.
Stranger: that was mean.
You: its ok i cant do anything about it
Stranger: have a black baby?
Stranger: obama's hot.
You: omg your right 16 and pregnant
Stranger: you have one fine president.
You: obama is really hot
Stranger: YOU'RE 19.
Stranger: do obama, and have his half-black baby.
You: ive been wanitng to hit that forever
Stranger: hottt.
Stranger: oh hell yes.
Stranger: most straight guys i know, would hit that.
Stranger: oh dear me.
Stranger: i'm coming across as a maniac.
Stranger: but do have a cup of tea.
You: um yeah i mean this inst real
You: your a delusion
Stranger: a god delusion?
You: and so am i
You: in fact your going to wake up
You: in about 2 hours
You: and your goign to be a man
Stranger: follow the white rabbit?
Stranger: I HAVE NO PENIS.
Stranger: AND I DON'T WANT ONE.
You: yeah take some acid it will work then
Stranger: ohhh acid. i see.
Stranger: i only have weeds at my usage.
Stranger: or that may just be basil.
Stranger: i'mnot really sure.
You: well your still going to wake up and be someone completely different
You: and not remember shit
Stranger: OHHH CREEPY.
Stranger: LIKE FIGHT CLUB
You: yep
You: tyler dyrdun
Stranger: ohhh i'd go tyler durden.
You: fuck
Stranger: haha.
You: i fucked up his name
Stranger: i'd fuck his name too..
Stranger: oh wait...
Stranger: what>
Stranger: ?
You: ruined my whole plan
Stranger: to fuck his name?
You: nah i was trying to appear all knowing
Stranger: sie nimmt dich mit, nach chicago.
Stranger: see?
You: what
You: what
You: what are you doing
You: are you turning on me
You: R
You: R
You: R
You: R
You: R
You: R
You: R
You: R
You: R
You: R
You: U
You: U
You: U
You: U
You: THERE
Stranger: yes
You: O
Stranger: sorry
You: C
You: C
You: C
You: C
You: DDD
Stranger: checking something
You: IS A BITCH
Stranger: ok
You have disconnected.
3344 users online
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You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: HEY YOU STUPID WHORE
Stranger: :(
You: thats right
Stranger: son, i am dissapoint.
You: i wear the pants
Stranger: THEN HOW AM I ON COMPUTER?
You: you wear the skirt
You: HOW THE FUCK AM I
Stranger: WIMMENS DON'T EXIST ON INTERNET.
You: ?
You: YEAH THEY DO
Stranger: ohhh you're so out of touch with the memes.
Stranger: so out of touch.
You: whats those
Stranger: i shun you, pants wearer.
You: answer me when im talking to you
Stranger: nahh
Stranger: i'm cool.
You: im going to slap you
You: silly
Stranger: JUST BECAUSE YOU BEAT YOUR WIFE AND DAUGHTER, DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN BEAT ME.
You: WAP
You: WAP
Stranger: YOU MANSLUT.
You: WAP
You: WAP
Stranger: *ducked all*
Stranger: hahahaha
You: actually im a 19 year old girl
Stranger: ha! i'm 18.
Stranger: i win.
You: no
Stranger: yes.
Stranger: because you're old.
You: BUT I DO HAVE A WIFE
You: they wont let me go
You: oh nooo
Stranger: LIBERATION IS COOL.
You: im not old
Stranger: be liberated!
You: am i wrinkling
You: can someone tell me
Stranger: a little.
You: oh gawd
Stranger: your typing gives it away.
Stranger: IT
Stranger: IT'S OKAY!!
You: 18 YEAR OLDS SUCK MY COCK
Stranger: only your elbows are wrinkling.
Stranger: mean!
You: fucking new assholes
You: can tear through them
Stranger: lolwut?
You: i duno
Stranger: 'kay. it's okay.
Stranger: i trust you.
You: really why would you
You: i could be a 58 year old man
You: or a tranny
Stranger: YOU LIED
You: NO REALLY IM 19
Stranger: i have very little problems with trannys.
You: i have muliple personailties
Stranger: that made no grammatical sence.
Stranger: me, i mean.
Stranger: ohhhhh.
You: oh really
Stranger: like tara?
You: who is tara
You: who the fuck is tara
Stranger: a character.
You: what
Stranger: on a television show.
You: not her
Stranger: haha, n00b.
Stranger: n00b at life.
Stranger: you.
Stranger: n00b.
You: no i lived in a claset
You: *closet
Stranger: a what?
Stranger: lol
Stranger: lololololol
Stranger: hurr hurr hurr
You: i know im the child called it
Stranger: I HAVE A UNIQUE LAUGH OKAY?
Stranger: you're in the closet?
Stranger: i thought you had a wife.
You: YEAH IM ALSO A LESBIAN
Stranger: LESBIANS ARE PEOPLE TOO, YOU KNOW.
You: she found me along time ago kind of in narina
Stranger: ohhhh.
Stranger: narnia.
You: yeah
Stranger: i've always wanted to holiday there.
You: WELL YOU SHOULD
You: MY WIFE IS THE LION
Stranger: i hear it's ~~~delightful~~~ in summer.
Stranger: OH SHI-
Stranger: YOU MARRIED A LIONESS?
You: yeah
You: but im also a ghost
You: its an unforutate series of events
Stranger: YOU'RE SO UNIQUE.
Stranger: hahaahaha
Stranger: SO MANY LAZYREFERENCES
Stranger: LAZY REFERENCES*
You: lesbian ghost
Stranger: HARRY POTTER.
Stranger: DID IT FOR YOU.
You: look man harry's my brother
You: we live in that closet
Stranger: snape...snape...serverous snape...
Stranger: under the stairs?
You: yeah i made that
Stranger: no doubt.
You: i made that video
Stranger: witty of you.
You: i know right
You: ?
Stranger: you're an international woman of mystery.
You: you want to know why my hairs so big
Stranger: yes.
You: and im a lesbian
Stranger: you know...right.
You: its full of secret
Stranger: IT'S FULL OF SECRETS
Stranger: oh damn.
Stranger: beat me to it.
You: win
Stranger: fail.
You: no
You: so what are you
You: ive been talking about myself
You: cause im fat and i eat so much
You: so im self centered
Stranger: what u want, bb i got it.
You: OHHHHH
You: OHHH *88888*
Stranger: i am a moth.
You: no
Stranger: yes.
You: holycrap
You: how do you type
Stranger: i hover around lights.
Stranger: i have ~mind control.
You: no way
You: what am i thinking about
Stranger: i'm controlling a stupid humanz.
You: right now
Stranger: naww. i only control people.
You: well im kind of a person
Stranger: i'm controlling you right now.
Stranger: you can't feel my penetrating wings though,
Stranger: i'm super powerful.
You: ohhhh its turning me on
Stranger: I INVENTED FACEBOOK.
You: fap fap fap
You: no you didnt
Stranger: OH DEAR.
Stranger: I DID.
You: STFU!
You: i use that everyday
Stranger: i mind controlled the facebook guy.
You: i masterbate with that
Stranger: THEN I CONTROL YOU.
Stranger: YOU SEX FIEND./
You: LIKE MYSPACE NEVER DID IT FOR ME
Stranger: MYSPACE SUCKED,
You: i know
You: jeezz
You: so are you really a man
You: i dont think so
You: your a chick
Stranger: I'M A LADY WHOA WHOA WHOA
You: holy shit
You: do you go to church
You: ive seen you man
Stranger: i'm seriously an 18 year old female.
Stranger: i'm agnostic.
Stranger: but i controlled jesus.
You: your the one that stalked me remeber
Stranger: I AM AN AGNOSTIC MOTH.
You: holy shit
Stranger: AND I CONTROL YOU.
Stranger: AND EVERY FACEBOOK USER EVER.
You: theres a stalker book?
You: no
You: no
You: no
You: no
Stranger: ohhh. so stealing that idea.
You: dont find me
You: my name is lisa
Stranger: besides that's normal facey.
Stranger: i'm tess.
Stranger: OMG LISA SIMPSON?
You: yes
You: srsly
You: happy birthday lisa lisa its your birthday
You: that was written for me
You: thats how special i am
Stranger: wowowwowowow
Stranger: michael jackson loves you.
Stranger: too soon?
You: omg
You: dont make me cry
Stranger: omg.
Stranger: sorry bb.
You: its ok
Stranger: he was a god.
You: i humped his dead corspe
Stranger: ohhhh sexy.
You: i know
Stranger: i made you do that.
Stranger: remember,mind control?
You: can you teach me the secret
Stranger: FEAR ALL MOTHS.
Stranger: pretty much.
Stranger: that.
You: ok
You: ive been afraid of them for a while now
Stranger: oh wow. i've really been working it, then,
Stranger: muh majik is workin'.
You: your kayne west right?
Stranger: and i'm gonna let you finish...
You: holy shit
You: because im taylor swift
Stranger: IF KANYE STOLE THE MICROPHONE CAN YOU~ TAY TAY~ REALLY BE "SWIFT".
You: no wonder you made me cry 5 SECONDS AGO
Stranger: lawl.
You: oh when your 15 and someone tells you they love you
Stranger: NOOOOOO
Stranger: BROTHER NOOOOO
You: LIKE THAT TAWT OF A JONAS BORTHER
Stranger: ew ew ew
You: ifcuked him real good
Stranger: ohhhhh
Stranger: spicy
Stranger: oogly.
You: haha
You: oogly?
Stranger: yeah, bro.
Stranger: :DDDDD
You: i dont know what you mean
Stranger: like 'icky',
Stranger: YOUR DIALECT IS WEIRD.
Stranger: AND I DON'T LIKE IT
Stranger: crazy yanks.
You: WHAT
You: FUCK THAT
You: WHERE ARE YOU FROM
Stranger: you speak a funny brand of english.
You: YOU FUCKING FOREIGNER
You: im blow your shit up
Stranger: AUSTRALIA: HOME OF BOREDOM.
Stranger: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Stranger: ha, you must be a yank then!
You: ITS ALREADY SHIT
You: ILL FUCK IT
Stranger: boom baby.
Stranger: WER U FRUM?
You: AMERIKA
Stranger: HAHA. I WIN.
You: how did you know
You: do i talk black
Stranger: i'm magic.
Stranger: omg. ~racism~
Stranger: sparkles.
You: you knew i was a black person
You: a black lesbian ghost
Stranger: i thought you were white?
You: no i am
Stranger: YOU SEEM WHITE OKAY?
You: im just kidding
You: how do i seem white
You: that sucks
Stranger: you confuse my small moth brain.
Stranger: you're not cool enough to be black?
Stranger: sorry.
Stranger: that was mean.
You: its ok i cant do anything about it
Stranger: have a black baby?
Stranger: obama's hot.
You: omg your right 16 and pregnant
Stranger: you have one fine president.
You: obama is really hot
Stranger: YOU'RE 19.
Stranger: do obama, and have his half-black baby.
You: ive been wanitng to hit that forever
Stranger: hottt.
Stranger: oh hell yes.
Stranger: most straight guys i know, would hit that.
Stranger: oh dear me.
Stranger: i'm coming across as a maniac.
Stranger: but do have a cup of tea.
You: um yeah i mean this inst real
You: your a delusion
Stranger: a god delusion?
You: and so am i
You: in fact your going to wake up
You: in about 2 hours
You: and your goign to be a man
Stranger: follow the white rabbit?
Stranger: I HAVE NO PENIS.
Stranger: AND I DON'T WANT ONE.
You: yeah take some acid it will work then
Stranger: ohhh acid. i see.
Stranger: i only have weeds at my usage.
Stranger: or that may just be basil.
Stranger: i'mnot really sure.
You: well your still going to wake up and be someone completely different
You: and not remember shit
Stranger: OHHH CREEPY.
Stranger: LIKE FIGHT CLUB
You: yep
You: tyler dyrdun
Stranger: ohhh i'd go tyler durden.
You: fuck
Stranger: haha.
You: i fucked up his name
Stranger: i'd fuck his name too..
Stranger: oh wait...
Stranger: what>
Stranger: ?
You: ruined my whole plan
Stranger: to fuck his name?
You: nah i was trying to appear all knowing
Stranger: sie nimmt dich mit, nach chicago.
Stranger: see?
You: what
You: what
You: what are you doing
You: are you turning on me
EXPERIMENT
im excited but im not telling anyone else what it is it will ruin it
////
but anyways im at school
i forgot my phone
i have work
today might drag
i watched the movie battle royale yesterday again
i still like it
nothing is changing but it will
i want to work at quoda with juliet lol
i want to do alot of things in the next year or two hopefully i can fit them all in
more later....
////
but anyways im at school
i forgot my phone
i have work
today might drag
i watched the movie battle royale yesterday again
i still like it
nothing is changing but it will
i want to work at quoda with juliet lol
i want to do alot of things in the next year or two hopefully i can fit them all in
more later....
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
this girl
i was sitting with yesterday told me she was questioning her sexuality
i have always been doing that so i was interested
she was like everything basically checks off
she never had boyfriends the last one she had was in eighth grade and shes a really pretty girl so it makes no sense
shes in a band
she thinks about girls sometimes
she likes anime
she has all guy friends
and she told me a bunch of other things, i mean some of these things dont really check off for me but i dont think i will ever know what the hell i am.
i have always been doing that so i was interested
she was like everything basically checks off
she never had boyfriends the last one she had was in eighth grade and shes a really pretty girl so it makes no sense
shes in a band
she thinks about girls sometimes
she likes anime
she has all guy friends
and she told me a bunch of other things, i mean some of these things dont really check off for me but i dont think i will ever know what the hell i am.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
MORE
collection i found in my basement. i cant believe my parents thought this was healthy or to encourage it lmao. but its definty funny all that stuff on the floor is cut outs of pictures of birds, plates,cards,stickers,stuffed animals, ect.when i get home
im going to look for my utimate box of my obsession with birds at age 9
its quite big and i dont think anyone would throw it away since it took me most of the year to collect it.
if i find it its going on here.
it must be in my basement
i think im going to put my other things i was in love with also up on here.
and also some of my childhood diaries
but these will all come later, i guess this is my new project.
its quite big and i dont think anyone would throw it away since it took me most of the year to collect it.
if i find it its going on here.
it must be in my basement
i think im going to put my other things i was in love with also up on here.
and also some of my childhood diaries
but these will all come later, i guess this is my new project.
birds
when i was a kid i had an obsession with birds.
they were my everything
in fact every consecutive year i gain a new obsession and throw out the old one
there are so many things wrong with me haha
anyways i would draw birds for hours on end
i had books deciaited to them
i have only a few of these but i used to have so many more
it said on the corner on both of these 1999 so i think i was 9 or 10
Saturday, November 28, 2009
i was distracted
i needed a break from spilling some of myself out onto the internet
but i realized i broke a habit and it made me feel better
i have alot of habits like liking opiates too much
or not doing what i should be doing
or sleeping at the wrong time
its all questionable and makes me feel like i live mulitple lives at once
its fucks with me
i seen a bunch of people from duquesne yesterday like my teacher and this other kid
and i like duquesne outside of duquesne
i have to pick a mentor because im now a psychology major but i dont want to meet someone that doesnt want to meet me.
i go crazy every hour, and rock back and forth mentally and then i come back and then somethng forcefully pushes me back. i must be bi polar my learning tells me that but no its much more.
its much farther.
i was also very anti social when i was a kid.
this girl i used to be friedns with tried to be friend me on the first day of pre school i dont remeber this but she told me this when i was about 16.
she said she came up to me and i was playing with a puzzle and she asked me if i wanted to go play house or soemthing and i didnt say anyhting i just turned around
she went up to another boy who was also an only child and he did the same thing
who my mom forcefully mad eme be friedns with later
im writing more later i have to go to something now
but i realized i broke a habit and it made me feel better
i have alot of habits like liking opiates too much
or not doing what i should be doing
or sleeping at the wrong time
its all questionable and makes me feel like i live mulitple lives at once
its fucks with me
i seen a bunch of people from duquesne yesterday like my teacher and this other kid
and i like duquesne outside of duquesne
i have to pick a mentor because im now a psychology major but i dont want to meet someone that doesnt want to meet me.
i go crazy every hour, and rock back and forth mentally and then i come back and then somethng forcefully pushes me back. i must be bi polar my learning tells me that but no its much more.
its much farther.
i was also very anti social when i was a kid.
this girl i used to be friedns with tried to be friend me on the first day of pre school i dont remeber this but she told me this when i was about 16.
she said she came up to me and i was playing with a puzzle and she asked me if i wanted to go play house or soemthing and i didnt say anyhting i just turned around
she went up to another boy who was also an only child and he did the same thing
who my mom forcefully mad eme be friedns with later
im writing more later i have to go to something now
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
old or new
i think im an old soul that inst going to be apart of the cycle after this life because i like the ideas of death and life so much.
i hate when people dont get what im saying haha.
i even look apart of the olden days lol if you put me in an old time dress it would be scary.
but i have to do things now,
im not saying anything interesting lately just weired thoughts i have during the day.
i understand why amywinehouse fucks pete doughty
i like his band alot
i hate when people dont get what im saying haha.
i even look apart of the olden days lol if you put me in an old time dress it would be scary.
but i have to do things now,
im not saying anything interesting lately just weired thoughts i have during the day.
i understand why amywinehouse fucks pete doughty
i like his band alot
Sunday, November 22, 2009
whats a girl to do?
i feel all my friends have magical powers except me is that crazy?
maybe i lost mine i know i used to have some
im not really noticed im completely invisible
i cant really do anything except live in my little fairy tale world were everything is what i want
its really easy to be imaginary
maybe i lost mine i know i used to have some
im not really noticed im completely invisible
i cant really do anything except live in my little fairy tale world were everything is what i want
its really easy to be imaginary
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
i wonder if im the weakess person ever?
i hate feeling stupid and all that junk.
i just feel like im going to throw up lately
i dont know if its because my nerves have been totally shot, or if im stressed and cant tell and its just physically manifesting itself.
who knows
i had a interesting dream last night.
i think i was high on something and i was in a circle with a bunch of people that i knew such as lizzy and aj and they were argueing about how their brother fainted and died on whatever i was on. and they all turned to me and everything was getting black and gray and fuzzy and they all started chanting some weired nonsense sentence.
some thing about some guy named tom.
and i fell on the ground and i was still looking around the room and their voices were now getting in my head. then everything was getting dark and flooded with water and i was outside now and it was raining. and i looked up and i was trapped in between this building and i was looking for someone and then i woke up when they finally called me.
i hate feeling stupid and all that junk.
i just feel like im going to throw up lately
i dont know if its because my nerves have been totally shot, or if im stressed and cant tell and its just physically manifesting itself.
who knows
i had a interesting dream last night.
i think i was high on something and i was in a circle with a bunch of people that i knew such as lizzy and aj and they were argueing about how their brother fainted and died on whatever i was on. and they all turned to me and everything was getting black and gray and fuzzy and they all started chanting some weired nonsense sentence.
some thing about some guy named tom.
and i fell on the ground and i was still looking around the room and their voices were now getting in my head. then everything was getting dark and flooded with water and i was outside now and it was raining. and i looked up and i was trapped in between this building and i was looking for someone and then i woke up when they finally called me.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
VIRGINITY
i guess since two people wrote theres ill write mine so secrets wont be held.
i met the fucker on valentines day at a drug store when i was 17, he gave me his number and i talked to him until i turned 18. so we hung out in between those times he asked me over his house and we made out or he would take the bus with me to work. it was all a bunch of crap but i wanted to fuck becasue everyone else was not because i wanted to so it was all very fake and stupid.
so after i drov emyself crazy the entire year about why i didnt fuck yet. i fucked him in the summer. he was from malaysia, in a band, and kind of sexy so i did it. he knew i was a virgin and i wore something absoloutely ridcilous that day. i think rainbow socks, and other ugly shit. i think just because i wanted to subconiously be innocent still. he kept asking me if we were going to have sex. and then i said if you want to then just do me. so he did. it didnt get me off and it was tortureous and lame. i thought of what other people were doing and who i would call. and how i would just do this because it would fill up time. so the next few times we did i got drunk and it was funner.
then i eventually cut off all contact because he started to like me and said i was girlfriend material lmao and took me iceskating and took me other places. i started to like him as a person and as a friendi didnt fall in love with him becuase i dont assoicate sex with love. and im kind of mad i didnt wait until i really liked someone to do it but oh well thats life.
i met the fucker on valentines day at a drug store when i was 17, he gave me his number and i talked to him until i turned 18. so we hung out in between those times he asked me over his house and we made out or he would take the bus with me to work. it was all a bunch of crap but i wanted to fuck becasue everyone else was not because i wanted to so it was all very fake and stupid.
so after i drov emyself crazy the entire year about why i didnt fuck yet. i fucked him in the summer. he was from malaysia, in a band, and kind of sexy so i did it. he knew i was a virgin and i wore something absoloutely ridcilous that day. i think rainbow socks, and other ugly shit. i think just because i wanted to subconiously be innocent still. he kept asking me if we were going to have sex. and then i said if you want to then just do me. so he did. it didnt get me off and it was tortureous and lame. i thought of what other people were doing and who i would call. and how i would just do this because it would fill up time. so the next few times we did i got drunk and it was funner.
then i eventually cut off all contact because he started to like me and said i was girlfriend material lmao and took me iceskating and took me other places. i started to like him as a person and as a friendi didnt fall in love with him becuase i dont assoicate sex with love. and im kind of mad i didnt wait until i really liked someone to do it but oh well thats life.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
how much do you want to live in a world that does shit like this?
maybe i really dont like anything anymore
juliet could be right
depression low self esteem its all so familar
reminds me of eighth grade-minus the mean people, never going to school, and being at my grandma's for ten hours everyday
i never got the chance to fully accept myself, i was trying to change who i was to make people like me now i have no idea who i am. if you dont know yourself then your lost and you cant like or love anything. and i dont want to do anything about it.
i dont want drugs because it gets old, you can only be high and calm for so long and then it wears off its too easy of a fix
and there is only so much i want to tell my therapist when i tell them to much then they keep refering me to get drugs or to talk to someone else who might be better.
it will go away hopefully next year if years really do repeat themselves then next year will be a year i really like if its chronlogical.
maybe i really dont like anything anymore
juliet could be right
depression low self esteem its all so familar
reminds me of eighth grade-minus the mean people, never going to school, and being at my grandma's for ten hours everyday
i never got the chance to fully accept myself, i was trying to change who i was to make people like me now i have no idea who i am. if you dont know yourself then your lost and you cant like or love anything. and i dont want to do anything about it.
i dont want drugs because it gets old, you can only be high and calm for so long and then it wears off its too easy of a fix
and there is only so much i want to tell my therapist when i tell them to much then they keep refering me to get drugs or to talk to someone else who might be better.
it will go away hopefully next year if years really do repeat themselves then next year will be a year i really like if its chronlogical.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
each day
im reborn.
but then i feel an emotion i already felt and its old and its boring. and i want to go back to sleep.
but sometimes people can you get you mad you get that fire emotion, the one that drives you to do things. i love that one maybe more than any of the others.
i amke friends, not enemies, not lovers. and that is my only quality maybe.
i have made the other two extremes before and i liked both of them but i dont make them often and i wonder if that means there is something wrong with me.
dont you need people to hate you for people to love you?
thats the question of the day people. answer it.
but then i feel an emotion i already felt and its old and its boring. and i want to go back to sleep.
but sometimes people can you get you mad you get that fire emotion, the one that drives you to do things. i love that one maybe more than any of the others.
i amke friends, not enemies, not lovers. and that is my only quality maybe.
i have made the other two extremes before and i liked both of them but i dont make them often and i wonder if that means there is something wrong with me.
dont you need people to hate you for people to love you?
thats the question of the day people. answer it.
Monday, November 16, 2009
how retarded does it feel when you are going to cry and then you have to fucking hold it.
i talked to lizzy on the phone today and we were just talking about crazy shit and it made me feel really angry and sometimes when i get really pissed i cry because i dont ever do shit about it when i really should just go kick peoples asses.
i just woke up today angry. im angry at how much different everything is, and i guess i think everything can stay the same but it cant.
i threw away alot of my childhood things today because my mom didnt want this big box of it anymore. i found drawings of birds i made.
i dont even feel like a girl or a person or anything. and liz told me that if i want to die then i shouldnt care i should just do everything. she told me i also have a really deep want for attention from people and i really appreiate friendship more than most people.
it is really good to hear these things about yourself because i always just see myself as a monster that noone ever likes but its not really true.
i think im going to move away or go to a school out of state. i need to start over.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
some guy gave this to me
Curiosity
may have killed the cat, more likely
the cat was just unlucky, or else curious
to see what death was like, having no cause
to go on licking paws, or fathering
litter on litter of kittens, predictably.
Nevertheless, to be curious
is dangerous enough. To distrust
what is always said, what seems,
to ask odd questions, interfere in dreams,
leave home, smell rats, have hunches
does not endure him to doggy circles
where well-smelt baskets, suitable wives, good lunches
are the order of things, and where prevails
much wagging of incurious heads and tails.
Face it. Curiosity
will not cause you to die...
only lack of it will.
Never to want to see
the other side of the hill,
or that improbable country where living is an idyll
although a probably hell
would kill us all.
Only the curious
have, if they live, a tail
worth telling at all.
Dogs say he moves too often, is irresponsible,
is changeable, marries too many wives,
deserts his children, chills all dinner tables
with tales of his nine lives.
Well, he is lucky. Let him be
nine-lived and contradictory,
curious enough to change, prepared to pay the price,
which is to die and die again and again,
each time with less pain.
A cat, minority of one
is all that can be counted on
to tell the truth. And what he has to tell
on each return from hell
is this: That dying is what the living do,
that dying is what the loving do,
and that dead dogs are those who do not know
that hell is where to live, they have to go.
may have killed the cat, more likely
the cat was just unlucky, or else curious
to see what death was like, having no cause
to go on licking paws, or fathering
litter on litter of kittens, predictably.
Nevertheless, to be curious
is dangerous enough. To distrust
what is always said, what seems,
to ask odd questions, interfere in dreams,
leave home, smell rats, have hunches
does not endure him to doggy circles
where well-smelt baskets, suitable wives, good lunches
are the order of things, and where prevails
much wagging of incurious heads and tails.
Face it. Curiosity
will not cause you to die...
only lack of it will.
Never to want to see
the other side of the hill,
or that improbable country where living is an idyll
although a probably hell
would kill us all.
Only the curious
have, if they live, a tail
worth telling at all.
Dogs say he moves too often, is irresponsible,
is changeable, marries too many wives,
deserts his children, chills all dinner tables
with tales of his nine lives.
Well, he is lucky. Let him be
nine-lived and contradictory,
curious enough to change, prepared to pay the price,
which is to die and die again and again,
each time with less pain.
A cat, minority of one
is all that can be counted on
to tell the truth. And what he has to tell
on each return from hell
is this: That dying is what the living do,
that dying is what the loving do,
and that dead dogs are those who do not know
that hell is where to live, they have to go.
haha
so i got really bored at work and got twisted up into wondering what it would be like to be in love with each one of my friends and it was funny.
most were kind of mean relationships, alot of ignoring and mindfucking.
some were kind of awkward.
i think i need shit to do.
soemtimes you need to explore crazy dumb stuff so your mind doesnt create a disease because its bored to tears.
most were kind of mean relationships, alot of ignoring and mindfucking.
some were kind of awkward.
i think i need shit to do.
soemtimes you need to explore crazy dumb stuff so your mind doesnt create a disease because its bored to tears.
i have a hard time believing this is the right path for me. im definity suppose to be somewhere else doing something else. i guess. to be honest i dont know what im looking for. but right now my neighborhood looks really nice its 8:05 in the morning and im watching everything get lit up. everyone is still sleeping in my house and in the surrounding houses and its nice. ive seen it all before but its still pretty.
all im tying to do is be calm or patience and wait for something, anything. all the possibliles float in and out of my head and everything can happen or change. its all so weired what is happening to the people around me. i feel like we have all grown at different speeds and everyone is farther than me and knows more and im not doing anything. i just want to be important. but im just really passive. and im always thinking and my brain is always buzzing and my dreams and my life and my !!11!! !11!2^^&Y. thats what it constantly feels like just racing against nothing i dont know why the voice in my head does that.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
identity
if i act like a million people well then i have a million separate problems.
i dont know why i split up everything around me into weired little universes, i'm really not that crazy because i know im doing it and i remember everything though out my day so i know who the real girl is, i just make up others accidently.
i did this as a kid too. if i didnt have anyone around then i would be someone else. they werent that much interesting to me. i talk to myself a lot and i always have. im not independant in someways but in others i really am. i have my own definition of being alone, i feel alone even if im with a bunch of people, or even if a bunch of people want to talk to me i dont give a shit. none of it is geniune and im fucking sick of it. im fucking sick of everyones fucking shit. everyone is so selfish its disgusting and im not excluding myself here either. im disgusting, where did all of my happiness go it got replaced with turds im so fucking pissed and i never want to speak again.
i can see why some people do not speak for 20 years it all makes sense because they have nothing better to say.
THIS IS BULLSHIT. nothing even happened to me today but im pissed.
all you fuckers just fuck with me and now i want to be a mute and live in a shack in a forest far the fuck away from here. so i will never have to know what happened or what could have happened or this and that because it wont matter.
im so angry that i havent been happy for a while and im 19
i dont know what i want, if their was a suggestion box i would ask for guidance. because im most than lost.
Friday, November 13, 2009
black coat, white shoes
oh man. friday the 13th.
have you ever felt you and someone else were thinking the same thing
it happens to me alot. sometimes i say it out loud other times i keep it a secret with them.
its so much fun, it really is.
because you could always be wrong, or you could be really right.
ive been thinking of some crazy shit lately that im not going to put on here because im afraid i will jinx it if i put it into writing so just in case i die all my secrets and thoughts with go with me.
thats the most beauitful thing about life how much we really wont know about someone even if they were really close to us because there is only so many memoires or times we have shared with someone but we never saw it from their point of view. we also dont know their whole childhood, thoughts, schooling, or time they have spent in their room.
i feel like i dont want to do any of it but at the same time i do. but sometimes i think it would be really cool to die before any of it happens so just in case it doesnt happen so i wont be disappointed. i really like that escape factor for every living thing because its so feared and because its so final.
have you ever felt you and someone else were thinking the same thing
it happens to me alot. sometimes i say it out loud other times i keep it a secret with them.
its so much fun, it really is.
because you could always be wrong, or you could be really right.
ive been thinking of some crazy shit lately that im not going to put on here because im afraid i will jinx it if i put it into writing so just in case i die all my secrets and thoughts with go with me.
thats the most beauitful thing about life how much we really wont know about someone even if they were really close to us because there is only so many memoires or times we have shared with someone but we never saw it from their point of view. we also dont know their whole childhood, thoughts, schooling, or time they have spent in their room.
i feel like i dont want to do any of it but at the same time i do. but sometimes i think it would be really cool to die before any of it happens so just in case it doesnt happen so i wont be disappointed. i really like that escape factor for every living thing because its so feared and because its so final.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
why do my arms bend the other way
proof i'm part alien"i could see you being content being homeless"- amanda k.
haha after i told her that im made to go to school and that i dont really learn. i dont know what kills me about everything but everything does but how ive been doing a lot of what makes me happy heres what i found out.
so i might be homeless living on duquesne campus which would be hilarious.
im actually perfectly happy being alone
i dont want a boyfriend or someone to fuck just everyone else around me does so i thought i had too
um i cant think of what else
TAKE WARNING, TAKE WARNING
IM AT SCHOOL BEING A RETARD
NURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
////
its pretty obivous im bored i wonder how many hours i waste.
if someone added them all up i would be ashamed
but what else am i suppose to do
estimate: 40,500
i dunno if thats how many ive even been alive but regardless.
NURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
////
its pretty obivous im bored i wonder how many hours i waste.
if someone added them all up i would be ashamed
but what else am i suppose to do
estimate: 40,500
i dunno if thats how many ive even been alive but regardless.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
LOL
i havent gone to a full day of classes all week what am i doing?
i think i really should have taken a year off this is a waste of money but its so good.
but ive been doing work for all of my classes during this time so its not like im wasting time.
ive had two bowls of cereal and i felt really dizzy this morning. maybe im dying and something is slowly eating away at my brain. i would be the first zombie. it would make sense as to why im so unmovitvated, and so sleepy. its that or mono but i dont think i have that either.
life is so strange but im really enjoying it this week for no good reason. ive been super happy and its ridicilous cause nothing has changed except my attitude.
if i fail i fail. if i dont find what im looking for thats fine. why should i care what anyone thinks of me noone is better or worse.
i think i really should have taken a year off this is a waste of money but its so good.
but ive been doing work for all of my classes during this time so its not like im wasting time.
ive had two bowls of cereal and i felt really dizzy this morning. maybe im dying and something is slowly eating away at my brain. i would be the first zombie. it would make sense as to why im so unmovitvated, and so sleepy. its that or mono but i dont think i have that either.
life is so strange but im really enjoying it this week for no good reason. ive been super happy and its ridicilous cause nothing has changed except my attitude.
if i fail i fail. if i dont find what im looking for thats fine. why should i care what anyone thinks of me noone is better or worse.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
i sleep and sleep and sleep. i acutally over sleep and its so good.
in sleep noone can bother me, make me feel small
probably the reason i do not work on saturdays anymore is because all i wanted to do was be in bed. i never want to go anywhere, im surprised i havent quit most things.
i dont want to ever do anything again, except sleep and dream
in sleep noone can bother me, make me feel small
probably the reason i do not work on saturdays anymore is because all i wanted to do was be in bed. i never want to go anywhere, im surprised i havent quit most things.
i dont want to ever do anything again, except sleep and dream
Monday, November 9, 2009
the worst thing
is it weired to almost hate logic or science?
i think it is because you need some of it to survive but i dont know if im all for it.
i think it is because you need some of it to survive but i dont know if im all for it.
EARLY BIRD SPECIAL
im leaving school early today i dont want math psttt cant catch me.
i want to stretch my ears real bad so we'll see about that
anyways ive been doing so good with the self confidence thing lately im going to give myself a gold star.
im cool and awesome and noone can tell me different.
actually i want to leave school right now this shit is bananas
i have an itunes card i need to use up and a paper to write
i want to stretch my ears real bad so we'll see about that
anyways ive been doing so good with the self confidence thing lately im going to give myself a gold star.
im cool and awesome and noone can tell me different.
actually i want to leave school right now this shit is bananas
i have an itunes card i need to use up and a paper to write
Sunday, November 8, 2009
ew @school
i have to go to something dumb for school tonight
however im getting chicken and im excited
i talked to people who made me feel better about my life
maybe things will turn out alright who knows
im not feeling like i used to and thats making me very excited
i did feel inferior for one second today though but i talked myself out of it
however im getting chicken and im excited
i talked to people who made me feel better about my life
maybe things will turn out alright who knows
im not feeling like i used to and thats making me very excited
i did feel inferior for one second today though but i talked myself out of it
Friday, November 6, 2009
SOMEDAYS
i feel like i have it all figured out.
this is not one of them but its close.
so its alright.
those days where you dont have a thought in your head and you simply just a passenger in your own life. where you dont even look at the person who you think might be steering. you dont care, it could be anyone or it could be noone and you could drive off a fucking cliff at any second. you feel different almost confident like you cant die. like you maybe never lived, and that you might wake up and notice you have been asleep and your still fifteen and you still have time and your not who you thought you were in your dream, no your still someone you maybe like. or maybe your noone and you dreamt up that other girl, or boy that person you have been and their whole life down to every detail.
yes this could happen one day you never know.
in fact i would be delighted
this is not one of them but its close.
so its alright.
those days where you dont have a thought in your head and you simply just a passenger in your own life. where you dont even look at the person who you think might be steering. you dont care, it could be anyone or it could be noone and you could drive off a fucking cliff at any second. you feel different almost confident like you cant die. like you maybe never lived, and that you might wake up and notice you have been asleep and your still fifteen and you still have time and your not who you thought you were in your dream, no your still someone you maybe like. or maybe your noone and you dreamt up that other girl, or boy that person you have been and their whole life down to every detail.
yes this could happen one day you never know.
in fact i would be delighted
CAUGHT
my mom caught me smoking in my room and yelled at me which was weired.
she told me if i want to kill myself i can do it outside on the porch but its really cold out there.
she loves me she really does but we will never ever understand each other for some reason or another and we never have.
i would like to know all about her because she is actually the same level of crazy as me but in a totally different way.
////
why do some people say they are incapable of love?
alot of my friends blogs have been saying that. do you think it cant happen?
i really believe in it because its like the only real magic in this world at least to me i know how gay that sounds but i dont care.
you could say your incapable of anything else really, but you love something because if you didnt then what do you feel is keeping you here what is stopping you from killing yourself?
school is not keeping you here,
drugs are not keeping you here,
work is not keeping you here.
friends and family is what is keeping me here at least.
what do you think about? my mind is so floaty,girly, and irrational but it gets really obsessive and dark too.
anything can happen at any second, if you think that something is going to go one way it will go the other. if you dont think love is real you just havent looked at the world around you the poeple around you. its all very true and once you have it you should know but sometimes it takes a few years to realize it.
she told me if i want to kill myself i can do it outside on the porch but its really cold out there.
she loves me she really does but we will never ever understand each other for some reason or another and we never have.
i would like to know all about her because she is actually the same level of crazy as me but in a totally different way.
////
why do some people say they are incapable of love?
alot of my friends blogs have been saying that. do you think it cant happen?
i really believe in it because its like the only real magic in this world at least to me i know how gay that sounds but i dont care.
you could say your incapable of anything else really, but you love something because if you didnt then what do you feel is keeping you here what is stopping you from killing yourself?
school is not keeping you here,
drugs are not keeping you here,
work is not keeping you here.
friends and family is what is keeping me here at least.
what do you think about? my mind is so floaty,girly, and irrational but it gets really obsessive and dark too.
anything can happen at any second, if you think that something is going to go one way it will go the other. if you dont think love is real you just havent looked at the world around you the poeple around you. its all very true and once you have it you should know but sometimes it takes a few years to realize it.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
OOO
ok so thats how your suppose to live haha
so last night i was bored at work and read a bunch of sites on self improvement.
it said to treat yourself how you treat others.
i treat others better than myself, so i started thinking positively about myself and rewarding myself for all the good things i have done so far even if they are small. if you make a mistake dont think about it so much and call yourself stupid. i have alot of self hate and its unforutate but i was kind of trained to in a way.
so its not about tihnking positive becuase its hard to think positive all the time
its about elimating bad thoughts about yourself when you catch them
and when you have a million racing thoughts and your mind is starting to shut down you have to pull yourself out of it. for some reason i was doing the opposite its not that i didnt know this before. because everyone knows how to love themselves, its just that you really have to face it and be like im going to do this. ive done it before. i used to be exactly like this in the eighth grade but when i got to ninth grade i was way more outgoing and didnt give a fuck what anyone thought about me. then it happened again in the tenth grade, but its just goes to show you always have to be working on yourself. if you dont then its going to come back. and its not just low confidence this can be with any trait that you hate about yourself.
trying to force something to happen inst going to work it all has to be natural also. so just take everything slow. and dont let it totally overwhelm you.
so last night i was bored at work and read a bunch of sites on self improvement.
it said to treat yourself how you treat others.
i treat others better than myself, so i started thinking positively about myself and rewarding myself for all the good things i have done so far even if they are small. if you make a mistake dont think about it so much and call yourself stupid. i have alot of self hate and its unforutate but i was kind of trained to in a way.
so its not about tihnking positive becuase its hard to think positive all the time
its about elimating bad thoughts about yourself when you catch them
and when you have a million racing thoughts and your mind is starting to shut down you have to pull yourself out of it. for some reason i was doing the opposite its not that i didnt know this before. because everyone knows how to love themselves, its just that you really have to face it and be like im going to do this. ive done it before. i used to be exactly like this in the eighth grade but when i got to ninth grade i was way more outgoing and didnt give a fuck what anyone thought about me. then it happened again in the tenth grade, but its just goes to show you always have to be working on yourself. if you dont then its going to come back. and its not just low confidence this can be with any trait that you hate about yourself.
trying to force something to happen inst going to work it all has to be natural also. so just take everything slow. and dont let it totally overwhelm you.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
ATTEMPT # 2
I havent made anyones life better by being here have i?
////
when you stop caring it all happens
i have to stop caring
i need busy work
give me lots and lots of shit to do and ill be in my own world in no time
what the hell appeals to me?
questions from my mom:
what do you do in your room all night
why dont you eat
why do you sleep so much
why dont you talk to your friends
why arent you doing anything
why? because i cant stand anything.
the farther away i am the better, the more i dont see of everything the more i cant miss it
if i just stay in my little fucking bubble that i always create then nothing happens
anytime i just to make an attempt at something happening well it doesnt.
so everyone step the fuck back and just be bystanders and have the bystander effect
oh someone else will call the police someone closer to her will help
so im not ready for anything? are you fucking kidding me, who is? i hate everyones stupid explainations for everything. no its because i have no luck,or im ugly or im crazy or everything else its because im me. and i cant stand myself. im a stupid dumb fucking piece of shit, and everyone knows it just noone will tell me.
////
when you stop caring it all happens
i have to stop caring
i need busy work
give me lots and lots of shit to do and ill be in my own world in no time
what the hell appeals to me?
questions from my mom:
what do you do in your room all night
why dont you eat
why do you sleep so much
why dont you talk to your friends
why arent you doing anything
why? because i cant stand anything.
the farther away i am the better, the more i dont see of everything the more i cant miss it
if i just stay in my little fucking bubble that i always create then nothing happens
anytime i just to make an attempt at something happening well it doesnt.
so everyone step the fuck back and just be bystanders and have the bystander effect
oh someone else will call the police someone closer to her will help
so im not ready for anything? are you fucking kidding me, who is? i hate everyones stupid explainations for everything. no its because i have no luck,or im ugly or im crazy or everything else its because im me. and i cant stand myself. im a stupid dumb fucking piece of shit, and everyone knows it just noone will tell me.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
FIGHT
i think im made up alot of the time
i mean nothing really inst impossible
maybe we are everything at once
im not sure to be honest
/////
you keep giving me piles of shit too do
while my body is worn down
i think im getting a bit sick we will see what happens throughout the day.
/////
i dont know whats going to happen
am i a control freak?
i know im really nuerotic
Monday, November 2, 2009
LOVE
i am in love with my friends.
take juliet barbati for example haha.
she just says all that im thinking and thats all that i ask for.
she wants so much from people but i think she already knows me and has seen things the exact way i have before soo...
i dunno.
i dont know where im really going with this but i already want to go home and i just got to school.
i hate this place, and all the things i have to do to complete it.
i think im going to just finish it out and do nothing with my degree because psychology is very interesting dont get me wrong,but i doubt its something i could actually do for most of my life.
all the people in my major are retarded girls.
and im not sure if i am stable enough to tell people that they are mentally ill when i am too.
im just going to go back to art for now. its not something im amazing at but its something i always go back too, because there is so many forms of it.
you can learn art, or you can have a talent for it.
you can be art,wear art,eat art anything really with it. how could you not like it?
i love it it just shows different peoples views of the same thing. if you ever wonder what its like to be in someone elses brain then you know. i really wish i could come out of my own for a day just to not exist for a bit.
take juliet barbati for example haha.
she just says all that im thinking and thats all that i ask for.
she wants so much from people but i think she already knows me and has seen things the exact way i have before soo...
i dunno.
i dont know where im really going with this but i already want to go home and i just got to school.
i hate this place, and all the things i have to do to complete it.
i think im going to just finish it out and do nothing with my degree because psychology is very interesting dont get me wrong,but i doubt its something i could actually do for most of my life.
all the people in my major are retarded girls.
and im not sure if i am stable enough to tell people that they are mentally ill when i am too.
im just going to go back to art for now. its not something im amazing at but its something i always go back too, because there is so many forms of it.
you can learn art, or you can have a talent for it.
you can be art,wear art,eat art anything really with it. how could you not like it?
i love it it just shows different peoples views of the same thing. if you ever wonder what its like to be in someone elses brain then you know. i really wish i could come out of my own for a day just to not exist for a bit.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
MAYBE NOT
my friends and i met really awesome people last night
they have a circus where they put nails up their noses or smash cinder blocks on their chests
and everyone thought they were foriegn at first but their accents were fake and they were actors.
they are homeless and live down by the river.
they were so interesting they do what they do because of their religon and faith in God.
i was amazed by them because they fooled everyone but they still had a message.
i would like to join them
i want to find faith like that, or a group like that.
to feel love or something anything that they had.
it felt so simple
maybe im really depressed because i looked around at the people i was with and i was the only one alone.
i cant stand it, its eating me up and it makes me want to kill myself.
and i have to stop looking at other peoples lives but you just cant ignore everything.
i dont know what to do. or if what im hoping will work out will.
they have a circus where they put nails up their noses or smash cinder blocks on their chests
and everyone thought they were foriegn at first but their accents were fake and they were actors.
they are homeless and live down by the river.
they were so interesting they do what they do because of their religon and faith in God.
i was amazed by them because they fooled everyone but they still had a message.
i would like to join them
i want to find faith like that, or a group like that.
to feel love or something anything that they had.
it felt so simple
maybe im really depressed because i looked around at the people i was with and i was the only one alone.
i cant stand it, its eating me up and it makes me want to kill myself.
and i have to stop looking at other peoples lives but you just cant ignore everything.
i dont know what to do. or if what im hoping will work out will.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
whats the secret?
sometimes when i look at people i feel everyone knows the secret but me
how small can something make you feel
like time
or looking at something that you cant believe could be made
or reading about history
or the stars
and then looking at how long you have really been here
and really you havent been here at all in the great scheme of things
people might remeber you in the next generation
maybe the one after that
but then you disappear and memories fade becuase they our only in some peples brains not everyones like we like to think
and really our problems and everyone elses problems go away because we die
and its all really simple
then the next generation dies
and the next
and then soon the earth dies
the universe dies
and its all black
and eventually that dies
and then something else is made
created destroyed created destroyed
and you wonder why you were created and destroyed
and how much you contributed
how small can something make you feel
like time
or looking at something that you cant believe could be made
or reading about history
or the stars
and then looking at how long you have really been here
and really you havent been here at all in the great scheme of things
people might remeber you in the next generation
maybe the one after that
but then you disappear and memories fade becuase they our only in some peples brains not everyones like we like to think
and really our problems and everyone elses problems go away because we die
and its all really simple
then the next generation dies
and the next
and then soon the earth dies
the universe dies
and its all black
and eventually that dies
and then something else is made
created destroyed created destroyed
and you wonder why you were created and destroyed
and how much you contributed
Thursday, October 29, 2009
if our cells become addicted to emotion why would they ever become addicted to sadness.
if our main goal is to survive, i dont underatand how our bodies can self destruct.
how they get diseases, we have not evolved much, not at all.
we know how to make people live longer, but not to acutally make our bodies live longer.
we can hook them up to machines, in fact most people dead today could still be techinically alive through life support. so we could just have a whole mess of the living dead.
but i guess we respect ourselves moure than that.
or maybe doctors just dont give a shit after their first person dies. then all the living and dead look the same to them.
if our main goal is to survive, i dont underatand how our bodies can self destruct.
how they get diseases, we have not evolved much, not at all.
we know how to make people live longer, but not to acutally make our bodies live longer.
we can hook them up to machines, in fact most people dead today could still be techinically alive through life support. so we could just have a whole mess of the living dead.
but i guess we respect ourselves moure than that.
or maybe doctors just dont give a shit after their first person dies. then all the living and dead look the same to them.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
BLONDE
watched a video in my criminology class where they made people be prisoners or prison guards
and then the experimient actually kind of became real. after two days people started really thinking they were trapped or that they had power.
i dunno what else to say.
but i can kind of relate to it
i take on the role of another person when i want to fit in
i let all of their problems become my own because i want to understand them
and its kind of strange
why cant i just be my own person
am i scared of what people will think of the real me
is this why i am alone
i am stuck in this horrible line between reality and delusion,
i think all of these things and then i try to separate them from my real life
and noone likes me
why why why why why
what do i do wrong what the fuck do people want from me
am i that big of a standoffish bitch that noone thinks im nice
why does everyone like everyone else
do they participate better
have more passion, or sex, more attractive,or a better personailty
or what
just let me have one
i dont understand why im still a fucking freak
and then the experimient actually kind of became real. after two days people started really thinking they were trapped or that they had power.
i dunno what else to say.
but i can kind of relate to it
i take on the role of another person when i want to fit in
i let all of their problems become my own because i want to understand them
and its kind of strange
why cant i just be my own person
am i scared of what people will think of the real me
is this why i am alone
i am stuck in this horrible line between reality and delusion,
i think all of these things and then i try to separate them from my real life
and noone likes me
why why why why why
what do i do wrong what the fuck do people want from me
am i that big of a standoffish bitch that noone thinks im nice
why does everyone like everyone else
do they participate better
have more passion, or sex, more attractive,or a better personailty
or what
just let me have one
i dont understand why im still a fucking freak
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
SUICIDE
i know this is my second for the day but i am pretty bored.
i love the subject of suicide, in fact everything about death is interesting to me.
im not interested in the statistics but more of what it looks like. what is that moment like.
you realize this is it, i did this to myself, i can not take this back---then completely blackness.
i heard that the after life is excatly what it was like before you were born.
i dont remember what it was like before i was born so i guess its just nothing. you dont exist.
and thats really comforting to me. i dont understand how someone could want to live forever. i mean i would like to see everyone when i die but what if you dont.
what if it is something completely different.
what if you are just reincarnated and you are doing this circle for the rest of your life.
and you forever dont know why you are here, what your purpose is
why your soul was created
what if you get bored of forever
what if its not knowledge
to know everything at death would make you God and that can not happen most likely
so really it might be the ultimate joke and experiment
and maybe i think too much
FAIRY TALE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5Hv0tsvpyU&feature=fvw
the one thing that is really funny to me if how we all live our lives.
its honestly the most ridiciolous thing ever.
born
walk
talk
preschool
gradeschool
middle school
highschool
college
work
retire
old
die
now explain to me why more than half of that is not fun.
who decided all of this.
i must be extremely delusional because this is not how i pictured life to be like at all. its all very weired and tedious.
anyways someone next to me in class was playing this on her computer today and it made me laugh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5Hv0tsvpyU&feature=fvw
the one thing that is really funny to me if how we all live our lives.
its honestly the most ridiciolous thing ever.
born
walk
talk
preschool
gradeschool
middle school
highschool
college
work
retire
old
die
now explain to me why more than half of that is not fun.
who decided all of this.
i must be extremely delusional because this is not how i pictured life to be like at all. its all very weired and tedious.
anyways someone next to me in class was playing this on her computer today and it made me laugh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5Hv0tsvpyU&feature=fvw
Monday, October 26, 2009
UGLY DUCK
when i was really little i used to look like a boy and im not kidding.
people actually asked my mom about her son. and for some reason she thought that was okay so she always cut my hair super short and only made me wear dresses on hoildays. i was also chubby which is really funny to think about if you see me now.
i guess i thought i was a boy too, not that i had alot of boys as friends or girls as friends i just kind had the mind set since i didnt look like a girl.
so i guess i was always meant to be extremely confused and my mom always asks me if i am a lesbian. well to be honest im not sure what i am. i havent had enough relationships go through to say exactly. and if i did they were also just as confusing and gender bending. so i might never know.
but ugly ducklings never really turn into beauitful people. im just average and just as wiered as ever. i know more about how i am suppose to look, and how im suppose to act, but its never quite right at least not for me. they always have a bunch of strandards to compare themselves too. and remember what was told to them by other people to change about themselves.
being called pale and an albino didnt make me go tanning, sorry bitches.
being called ugly didnt make me get plastic suregery.
being called a loser didnt make me get friends, or a boyfriend.
and being called anything else didnt make me do anything about it.
even though i considered doing all of these things, i made myself over in a way over the years, so really you were all no help at all. if i was not secure with myself i would not be able to say all of this.
if anything you made me dislike being here for a while, but it didnt make me kill myself.
so really you did nothing at all. and noone really knows shit about me so i can never really get hurt.
people actually asked my mom about her son. and for some reason she thought that was okay so she always cut my hair super short and only made me wear dresses on hoildays. i was also chubby which is really funny to think about if you see me now.
i guess i thought i was a boy too, not that i had alot of boys as friends or girls as friends i just kind had the mind set since i didnt look like a girl.
so i guess i was always meant to be extremely confused and my mom always asks me if i am a lesbian. well to be honest im not sure what i am. i havent had enough relationships go through to say exactly. and if i did they were also just as confusing and gender bending. so i might never know.
but ugly ducklings never really turn into beauitful people. im just average and just as wiered as ever. i know more about how i am suppose to look, and how im suppose to act, but its never quite right at least not for me. they always have a bunch of strandards to compare themselves too. and remember what was told to them by other people to change about themselves.
being called pale and an albino didnt make me go tanning, sorry bitches.
being called ugly didnt make me get plastic suregery.
being called a loser didnt make me get friends, or a boyfriend.
and being called anything else didnt make me do anything about it.
even though i considered doing all of these things, i made myself over in a way over the years, so really you were all no help at all. if i was not secure with myself i would not be able to say all of this.
if anything you made me dislike being here for a while, but it didnt make me kill myself.
so really you did nothing at all. and noone really knows shit about me so i can never really get hurt.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
TO MY HOT TEACHER
you are so sexy.
i love teachers i used to touch mr. bishops ass everyday, but he didnt care.
what is it about school that makes people go crazy?
who knows.
halloween is soon and i havent gone to a haunted house
suggestions for both teacher and haunted house?
i love teachers i used to touch mr. bishops ass everyday, but he didnt care.
what is it about school that makes people go crazy?
who knows.
halloween is soon and i havent gone to a haunted house
suggestions for both teacher and haunted house?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
YEY!
everything is great . a great weight has been lifted. i forgot a huge assignment in school and this time i didnt care. i dont know what happened to me those few weeks but now i have no thoughts, its just about living in the present. seeing people i love. everyone should lose their ipod (lol i did) and just listen to the sounds of the world around you. you can be in your own world without it. i dont like the indifference i feel around school.
Friday, October 23, 2009
ATTEMPT ONE
Today while i was driving into school. i got really panicky. it felt like the top of my head was going to fall off haha. or all my hair was going to fall out and then i looked at a bus stop sign and it didnt really look real. so depersonlization happens to me a lot. i have a ton of out of body expereineces most of them arent that fun but i like them sometimes becuase it reminds me that most of this inst real.
i was really happy yesterday. lizzy called me and she was the first person i talked to when i woke up. it was beauitful outside, and my teacher told us really great stories of when he visited a prison. and i just had a ton of confidence like i could do anything.i couldnt wait for thanksgiving and christmas becuase i wanted to see all of my family and i wanted to talk to everyone. i wanted to see my mom and my dad when they got home from work and i wanted to talk to them about anything because they dont know how much i love them.
yet today for some reason is not like that.
i just have to realize that some people get things and others do not. i dont know why i am not aloud, so wtf.
i might be a lame now but i guess it will change i dont know when but it will.
i just dont know what to do now to what to focus my time on.
just have to remeber when i have a negative thought also have a positive thought.
DISCLAIMER: this blog i swear makes me sound like i am serevly depressed but that is because i write it in the morning while i am at school. so really it only reflects the time of the day for me.
i was really happy yesterday. lizzy called me and she was the first person i talked to when i woke up. it was beauitful outside, and my teacher told us really great stories of when he visited a prison. and i just had a ton of confidence like i could do anything.i couldnt wait for thanksgiving and christmas becuase i wanted to see all of my family and i wanted to talk to everyone. i wanted to see my mom and my dad when they got home from work and i wanted to talk to them about anything because they dont know how much i love them.
yet today for some reason is not like that.
i just have to realize that some people get things and others do not. i dont know why i am not aloud, so wtf.
i might be a lame now but i guess it will change i dont know when but it will.
i just dont know what to do now to what to focus my time on.
just have to remeber when i have a negative thought also have a positive thought.
DISCLAIMER: this blog i swear makes me sound like i am serevly depressed but that is because i write it in the morning while i am at school. so really it only reflects the time of the day for me.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
NEWBORN
i am a little baby, i have alittle baby face.
i have child emotions. i am stuck in a world of adults and i am in a 19 year old body but i am a baby someone let me out.
in my development class i learned that when babies are ignored they do not cry so they do not disturb the bond between their mom rather they ignore it and give up very quickly especailly during materal depression.
so i ignore everyone i lock myself in my little room i push them away in hopes they will come back and love me.
i thought i was an old soul but it turns out i am a new soul. others think differently than me they analyize, all i do is try to master my enviroment, try not to be neglected, alone, and try to be loved.
i want to see where the wild things are
i think things are like that
i'll find that land
i love, love. give me give me
i have child emotions. i am stuck in a world of adults and i am in a 19 year old body but i am a baby someone let me out.
in my development class i learned that when babies are ignored they do not cry so they do not disturb the bond between their mom rather they ignore it and give up very quickly especailly during materal depression.
so i ignore everyone i lock myself in my little room i push them away in hopes they will come back and love me.
i thought i was an old soul but it turns out i am a new soul. others think differently than me they analyize, all i do is try to master my enviroment, try not to be neglected, alone, and try to be loved.
i want to see where the wild things are
i think things are like that
i'll find that land
i love, love. give me give me
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
?
Is it possible to never change?
i feel like i have been the same for most of my life.
maybe i wont grow up, i might be this person forever.
but nothing can stay the same thats impossible so what am i doing wrong?
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
some just tell me what to do already, i dont know what i am or what anyone is
how do other people do it? what do other people do? how do things turn out right and move on instead of staying the same? i can try and answer these things for myself but i have no other perspective but my own experiences and life.
nothing is comforting
being alone is not
being with others is not
being here is not
so where do i go
so should i just make myself more uncomfortable
where does it begin where does it end
its all too long and too short
SOMEONE FUCKING PUNCH ME ALREADY
give me a wake up call
i feel like i have been the same for most of my life.
maybe i wont grow up, i might be this person forever.
but nothing can stay the same thats impossible so what am i doing wrong?
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
some just tell me what to do already, i dont know what i am or what anyone is
how do other people do it? what do other people do? how do things turn out right and move on instead of staying the same? i can try and answer these things for myself but i have no other perspective but my own experiences and life.
nothing is comforting
being alone is not
being with others is not
being here is not
so where do i go
so should i just make myself more uncomfortable
where does it begin where does it end
its all too long and too short
SOMEONE FUCKING PUNCH ME ALREADY
give me a wake up call
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
VIRGIN SUICIDES
i dunno if i woke up today better or worse.
trying to keep yourself always busy is a lot of work.
im not sure what to do today.
just have to stop thinking and it will all come together.
i just sleep more and that kind of helps.
thats what always happens, so why not follow the formula.
science is so interesting but i feel i could never do it, but really everyone can in a way.
i wonder if everyone is this bored and alone.
trying to keep yourself always busy is a lot of work.
im not sure what to do today.
just have to stop thinking and it will all come together.
i just sleep more and that kind of helps.
thats what always happens, so why not follow the formula.
science is so interesting but i feel i could never do it, but really everyone can in a way.
i wonder if everyone is this bored and alone.
Monday, October 19, 2009
TAKE ONE YOU GOT TO TAKE 40 MORE TO KILL YOURSELF
so my dreams as of late (not goals im talking about sleeping dreams) have been involving alot of water and tsunamis while im at the beach with my friends, then someone washes up next to us but they are still alive then whoever i am with turns and says to me "wow what a big wave". its been a recurring dream that i have been having since august haha.
my friend who lives in philadephia has been telling me that i have been appearing in her dreams alot and i cant help but feel this is connected. she told me that she dreamed me and my family where the first to die in a government genocide and i had to get "the shot" first. then she dreamed i was taking her through a tour of the jungle in Africa and i thought alligators were ok to walk on. so i live a very exciting life in a subconious sense.
so in reality///
nothing has been happening, i canceled my driving test, nothing is really moving along or moving very slowly with my other situations haha, and i sometimes feel very hopeless like this will never end. but i have actually not been thinking alot lately and not living in my head so much so i dont want to really die so i have been happier.
i think its here to stay i just have to keep myself busy and never have a moment to myself, i will never be there again.
my friend who lives in philadephia has been telling me that i have been appearing in her dreams alot and i cant help but feel this is connected. she told me that she dreamed me and my family where the first to die in a government genocide and i had to get "the shot" first. then she dreamed i was taking her through a tour of the jungle in Africa and i thought alligators were ok to walk on. so i live a very exciting life in a subconious sense.
so in reality///
nothing has been happening, i canceled my driving test, nothing is really moving along or moving very slowly with my other situations haha, and i sometimes feel very hopeless like this will never end. but i have actually not been thinking alot lately and not living in my head so much so i dont want to really die so i have been happier.
i think its here to stay i just have to keep myself busy and never have a moment to myself, i will never be there again.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
LUCK OR PROBABILITY
i really believe in luck.
maybe because i am not the biggest fan of numbers and never have been.
people really do find alot of meaning in numbers and think that is what the universe really is.
but i think its alot more disordered than that, then again i have very illogical and magical thinking.
everything can not be proven by statistics because there is always someone that messes up the order of things.
and patterns do exist but i am not sure if its in a numeral form
i think its more in shapes and emotions.
i would be the shittest scientist ever.
maybe because i am not the biggest fan of numbers and never have been.
people really do find alot of meaning in numbers and think that is what the universe really is.
but i think its alot more disordered than that, then again i have very illogical and magical thinking.
everything can not be proven by statistics because there is always someone that messes up the order of things.
and patterns do exist but i am not sure if its in a numeral form
i think its more in shapes and emotions.
i would be the shittest scientist ever.
Friday, October 16, 2009
BLACK TACO
i wonder if i am doing something right or if i am doing something wrong and it will all come crashing down and im making myself believe something just because i want to be excited about something.
who knows? i knows
everyone says listen to what yourself is telling yourself well what if you really dont know. then who really knows?
who knows? i knows
everyone says listen to what yourself is telling yourself well what if you really dont know. then who really knows?
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
PASS OR FAIL
so i got really nervous about everythng that is happening on either friday or saturday of this week and my mom noticed cause i actually came out of my room haha.
so i told her that i didnt think i could do either even though these things are easy and all things i just need to do i have become obsessed with little simple tasks lately its really weired.
anyways she thinks something terrible happened to me that made me this way.nothing too bad has ever happened to me i mean everyone has had something bad happen to them but well i dunno you know haha. if this is how i portray myself to the world now i know why i am definity lonely but also surrounded by people who like me this was quite the epiphany.
haha my mom called us a generation of whiners and it cracked me up.
well it all doesnt matter anyway when im 80 all this shit is going to be ridicious and im going to be pissed that i wasted my life like this.
hopefully when im 80 ill just steal shit from walmart and just be badass.
Monday, October 12, 2009
LEARNING
i havent learned anything except my teacher says our brain changes every day because of new experiences.
but i guess i feel the same i am not really sure
i wish i wasnt such a bitch haha
i cant believe i actually have to talk in front of people friday i was totally going to skip it but my teacher would notice
i was talking to my friend and he told me to find out what i like to do and not what other people like to do.
so i guess im sort of a follower sometimes but i just think i try to be and i am not really
what the fuck am i talking about
but i guess i feel the same i am not really sure
i wish i wasnt such a bitch haha
i cant believe i actually have to talk in front of people friday i was totally going to skip it but my teacher would notice
i was talking to my friend and he told me to find out what i like to do and not what other people like to do.
so i guess im sort of a follower sometimes but i just think i try to be and i am not really
what the fuck am i talking about
Saturday, October 10, 2009
driving into work
yeah i think im the only 19 year old who still gets driven to work by her dad.
its really nice of him but it makes me feel really dependant
i hate feeling dependant on people and i dont mean clingy like im not up their ass but i just still live at home so i have to get out of here or move or something.
I hate aniexty more than anything, why would that emotion ever need to be created it serves barely any purpose in the world now except to fuck with people.
it stopped me from getting my licenece
it stopped me from making friends
it made me lose friends
it made me stay in my house for three weeks straight this summer
and it made me end up in the hospital from freaking out
but then again its my fault so whatever
every year i am overwhelmingly nervous about something this year its about being alone and that feeling is even worse.
but that is all going to change i am going to start being determined, and motivated to live. this time its going to go away forever. I dont care if you think i am throwing myself a pity party on here this is just honestly what i think about everyday and i have to get it out or it will drive me insane it already has before.
I am really missing last year cause i did not care too much about anything i said fuck it, all that is in the past is in the past and i dont care if noone talks to me i will talk to them.
its not that i dont have friends i do but i just never hang out with them which makes no sense
i have to constantly be a different person or its not going to work and will forever be in the loop of never getting anywhere.
its really nice of him but it makes me feel really dependant
i hate feeling dependant on people and i dont mean clingy like im not up their ass but i just still live at home so i have to get out of here or move or something.
I hate aniexty more than anything, why would that emotion ever need to be created it serves barely any purpose in the world now except to fuck with people.
it stopped me from getting my licenece
it stopped me from making friends
it made me lose friends
it made me stay in my house for three weeks straight this summer
and it made me end up in the hospital from freaking out
but then again its my fault so whatever
every year i am overwhelmingly nervous about something this year its about being alone and that feeling is even worse.
but that is all going to change i am going to start being determined, and motivated to live. this time its going to go away forever. I dont care if you think i am throwing myself a pity party on here this is just honestly what i think about everyday and i have to get it out or it will drive me insane it already has before.
I am really missing last year cause i did not care too much about anything i said fuck it, all that is in the past is in the past and i dont care if noone talks to me i will talk to them.
its not that i dont have friends i do but i just never hang out with them which makes no sense
i have to constantly be a different person or its not going to work and will forever be in the loop of never getting anywhere.
Friday, October 9, 2009
mysterious life
My susan miller prediction for my astrology said today was a lucky and romantic day for me, so lets see what happens. Supposively October 16th is a really interesting day for my saturn is coming back into my planets who like me until like 2012 when the world ends. well i do have saturn on my back for seriousss so maybe before the world ends i will have a good long relationship, or at least be happy happy happy before the zombies and the polars shift.
I wanted to create a blog because i am bored of always sitting around for 5 hours since i am a commuter at Duqueasy and im not very outgoing.
i kind of hate the word commuter it sounds like i have a handicap or something, i get like embarassed to tell people shit like that. i get embarrassed that i did not move away to some place and start my life anew but instead i see fucks from my middle school around here who look like they are on drugs and havent slept in about five days but i guess im describing all college kids including my self minus the drug problem for now.
List of things to do
1. get presentation done- in other words take a perecocet so i can pretend that im not up there with a powerpoint and other people looking at me
2.write paper- pshttt
3.get licence- hopefully will happen the 4th time around starting to feel like spongebob
Lastly figure out what i want to be for Halloween and what i am going to do that day. im not really a list person but i have so much shit on one day i have to make a list. it doesnt really fit with me being a gemini, or infp but who cares im not really feeling like myself.
and screw my phone im shutting it off for a day.
this post makes me sound bitter, but there will be happier ones just wait a week if ms. miller is right.
I wanted to create a blog because i am bored of always sitting around for 5 hours since i am a commuter at Duqueasy and im not very outgoing.
i kind of hate the word commuter it sounds like i have a handicap or something, i get like embarassed to tell people shit like that. i get embarrassed that i did not move away to some place and start my life anew but instead i see fucks from my middle school around here who look like they are on drugs and havent slept in about five days but i guess im describing all college kids including my self minus the drug problem for now.
List of things to do
1. get presentation done- in other words take a perecocet so i can pretend that im not up there with a powerpoint and other people looking at me
2.write paper- pshttt
3.get licence- hopefully will happen the 4th time around starting to feel like spongebob
Lastly figure out what i want to be for Halloween and what i am going to do that day. im not really a list person but i have so much shit on one day i have to make a list. it doesnt really fit with me being a gemini, or infp but who cares im not really feeling like myself.
and screw my phone im shutting it off for a day.
this post makes me sound bitter, but there will be happier ones just wait a week if ms. miller is right.
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